After three weeks of essentially being on the road, I came home to try to fall back into my normal routine. Cut the grass, run some errands and just try to unwind from what was a very intense several weeks of trade shows, meetings, airports, rental cars and living out of a suit case.
During this time, I also starting thinking about my parents and how much I miss them. My senses were further heightened as I went through some of the paperwork that has been stacking up over this time. Including medical and bank statements with mom and dad's name on them.
Dad passed away over a year and 7 months ago and today marks 6 months since mom left to join him. We are still getting statements as the insurance company continues to tell us of things that have been resolved.
I made things worse on myself as I started watching some videos and looking at old pictures that were also in piles on my home desk, that were part of my "todo list". To put them away in a drawer or album.
Hearing their voices in the videos, made me both smile and cry. The evening wine only helped let my guard down as the wave of emotions that overcame me felt like I was about to drown.
I am not depressed, or I genuinely don't think I am, but every now and then, the continuous thought of my parents not being around are like waves that crash at me trying to knock me down. I went to bed, trying not to stress myself out and spent the night dreaming about them, having conversations with them and hearing their voices in my dreams.
Yesterday, I finally got the nerve to request that dad's Facebook profile be memorialized. Partially due to the concern of it somehow getting compromised and then having to deal with that and the fact that it was something that I needed to do. Again, back to that "todo list".
The email I got from Facebook after I did it was actually very warm and touching. Clearly, thought went into how they need to help family members handle this task.
In my search for pictures and special quotes for which to help me convey what I am feeling, I came across a blog written by Andrea Barberio who used the same analogy of the emotion of grief coming in waves and being knocked down by one of the waves.
This weekend, one of the pictures I came across was of mom, who could not swim, walking back from the beach, while I was in the ocean with Dan when he was roughly 2 years old. There were no waves to knock her down or pull me under. The water was warm and inviting. The memories of Mom walking back, calmly gave me peace and comfort that I will be OK with the waves that come every now and then.
Another picture I came across was of mom and dad, in the late 60's, with mom pregnant with one of my sisters.
It reminded me that Mom and Dad are back together again and have been so for exactly 6 months now.
It helped me realize that it's OK to have the waves of emotions and tears come crashing. The wave will pass and I will once again be at peace, enjoying the tranquility in the ocean of memories of my time with them.
"Spend the rest of one's life in happiness, as in In her romantic novels the hero and heroine end up marrying and then live happily ever after. This hyperbolic phrase ends many fairy tales. [Mid-1800s]"
This past weekend Luisa and I had the ultimate parent's dream come true of watching our first born son, Dan, pledge his love to his new wife, Jill, at their wedding.
I may sound biased, but it was the most romantic and perfect wedding we have experienced. There was not a single thing that went wrong, not just to the naked eye, but as confirmed by everyone that attended and was a part of this beautiful celebration. The detail that went into the wedding was incredible and I know both of them are delighted and relieved at successfully reaching that pinnacle moment after all of that planning and getting ready to begin their new life adventure.
It is every parent's wish for their child to find the perfect partner that will share their child's dreams and support them in every way. For us, having two boys, it was also the added benefit of having a daughter added to our family, by way of our first daughter-in-law. After the wedding, Luisa and I looked at each other and said out loud, "we now have a daughter-in-law", just so that it can feel even that much more real!
It was a beautiful wedding with over a hundred family members and close friends. While every detail was perfect, the the one that continues to replay in my mind was the mother & son dance that Luisa had with Dan. I don't know if it is because of my regret of not doing this with my mom when I had a chance, even though Luisa suggested several times that I should do so, or because of the song that Luisa picked out that symbolizes that special moment.
However, as I was recording the video of Luisa and Dan, I could not stop reflecting about how proud we both were of everything that transpired on that special day.
The song she picked, Milagro (Miracle) by Gloria Estefan, is a tribute to a child and how special they are in your life. The key parts that resonated are (translated):
They are our treasures,
they are our happiness.
It's because of them
that life becomes sweeter
and we live a better life.
The children are our blessing,
the miracle of our love.
They teach us how to love
and open our hearts.
They are our blessing
the miracle of our love.
They are the essence of our home,
a gift from God....
As the newlyweds tour Spain for their honeymoon, we are all here still in awe about how special that day was and what it really meant, not just for them, but for us as well.
In light of all of the sadness over these years, it was wonderful to find joy and be happy again.
There is a rumor that Dan picked me as the best man primarily because he did not want someone to screw up the toast at his wedding. Well, let’s hope I don’t do that.
He must have also thought he would get a chance to proofread it like he does my blogs at times. Well no, he did not get to proofread what I am about to say.
Dan sent me into total shock Father’s Day last year when he asked me to be his best man. I had just lost my dad just two months earlier and was already on shaky ground.
I actually did not know what to think. I now understand that it is more common than I realized and know of several of Dan’s friends that have done this.
Dan has always had some amazing friends. Friends that would do anything or go anywhere with him. These friends, the ones that stood there supporting him this afternoon for his wedding, would be willing to drive or fly into the path of a hurricane to celebrate a special weekend with Dan in the Keys.
Looking back though, I can understand why he would ask me to be his best man.
You would think it is because the of the relationship we have had from the beginning. One that is more than just a father/son relationship.
No. it’s because nobody knows him as much as I do and therefore nobody would be able to embarrass him like I am about to do.
Jill, even though you two have been together for several years, I am sure you have already figured out some of these things that I am about to tell you.
Things that as the years pass, as long as you keep these things in mind, you will learn how to “deal” with him.
Be warned that Dan can hold grudges.
I figured this out when I took my first business trip and was away for several days. I came home, so excited to see him that when I walked through the door, he absolutely refused to get near me or talk to me for several hours.
That is when I learned that when I went away on trips, I had to make sure to bring him something. It didn’t matter if it was a list minute item I bought at a store in the airport or if it was one of the free swags you get at a trade show. You know the company branded Frisbee's and rubber stress balls.
So when he gets like that, buy him something. Doesn’t matter what it is, he quickly will forget that he is mad at you. He especially likes the Scansource tee shirts you get him.
Dan comes across like he is all reserved and obedient, but he has a little rebellious streak.
- He was a challenge from beginning. When he was about 2 years old, I used to come back from work, quickly change into my swim trunks and take him to the neighborhood pool. The problem was that I was not that confident in my ability to swim so I would go to the shallow end and tell him to jump in. He would run to the deep end and jump in. He did this more than once.
- Then there was the time that we actually lost him at the McDonalds at Disney world. One minute he was there with us and then he was not. It was crowded as heck and we freaked out thinking the worst. Luisa went one door and I went to the other and worked our way in until we found him in the middle of the crowd.
- Finally, his great grandmother used to take him for walks around the waterfront until one day he tried to run away and she had to grab him by the hair. From that point on, she just kept him in the back yard playing with his dinosaurs and with a stick in the mud.
The only suggestion I can give is to give him tasks or something to play with. That will keep him in place and out of trouble.
Dan hates to be pressured to do things that are outside of his comfort zone.
- He especially hates to be forced to do things that he swears up and down he doesn’t want to do. He complained for several months before we went on a camping trip, how much he hated hiking. He did not want to be go. We went to New Mexico to hike for over 50 miles in a week and after that, he came back swearing about the trip. That it was the best trip he had been on with me.
- The trick is that he was eating about 3-5,000 calories a day. So when you want him to do something that he does not want to do. Just feed him. He’ll get over it.
Finally, if you haven’t figured this out, Dan likes his sleep and when it’s lights out, I mean it is lights out. He is dead to the world and nothing can really wake him up. - One time, he was sick and in bed and we heard a large crash from his bedroom. Dan had rolled over the edge of his bed and crashed on the floor. He just kept on sleeping. We picked him up, took him to the bathroom, washed him down and put him back in bed. He did not remember a thing the next day.
- For this, the only thing I would suggest is that if he falls off the bed, just take a pillow and prop his head. You will not be able to wake him up and you can definitely not lift him up. He is dead weight when he is out.
I can go on and on about what it was like living with Dan but then we’ll still be here celebrating your first anniversary if we continue.
Besides, I want to now share some advice to Dan.
When I got married, my dad pulled aside the night before and said to me in a straight face:
“You know about, You know, right?” So Dan, you know about, you know, right?... š
Seriously, marriage life is a roller coaster with ups and downs, or a game that throws fastballs and curve-balls at you. The primary reason you get married is so that you can take that journey with someone who will be there for you equally, unconditionally and for you to reciprocate.
The key word in that statement is “equally”. Jill is your partner. She is the one that will support you like no other person can and will just as easily push your buttons.
That is OK. Just have patience and remember that this is not a sprint but a marathon. As I have always said, life is a journey, and not the destination. You want to take chances, do things together, experience things that take you outside of your comfort zone. So get on that roller coaster that you have always been afraid of. Your partner has your back.
Make Memories with each other. Things that make you laugh, despite the curve balls thrown at you at times.
Remember that the answer to the question, how do I look is, “you look great”. The answer to every meal she makes is, “it is delicious babe”. The answer to every argument whether you feel you are right or not, is “I’m sorry.”
To Jill.
Being the brother to 3 younger sisters and no brothers, Luisa and I thought that when we began having children, we would have girls. Up until we found out that Dan was a boy, we assumed it would be a girl and we would have no problem with that. We thank Dan for finally giving us the daughter we have been waiting for all along.
I heard you mention one time, after all of the unfortunate sadness we have had over these years that you “get it”. You get why our family is so close and appear to spend all of our time together, making a big deal of birthdays and anniversaries…etc. It is because when we are at our lowest point, we come together to support each other. Well Jill, it also that when we are at are highest point that we make it a big deal as well.
Luisa and I welcome you to the family and we are honored to have you as part of our family.
May God bless your marriage every day. May you both wake up every day excited about what the new day will bring and go to bed thankful for what you have been given.
I was reminded today by a cousin of a business trip I took once to Puerto Rico back in '89. The cousin called to tell to me that she had booked her upcoming trip and that she was going to stay in Humacao at Palmas del Mar.
The rush of memories from that trip immediately started flowing and reminded me of all of the things I had forgotten.
During this trip, I was in Puerto Rico to inspect some computers that were being manufactured there at a plant and went down there with a business partner, Wayne. Given that my family is from Puerto Rico, I was excited about the fact that I was IN Puerto Rico for a business trip but that I would also have the opportunity to visit my family while I was there.
The business trip was great and the weather and area was even better. When Friday came, Wayne and I ventured from the east coast shortline of Humacao to the mountains of Jayuya. While you can go around the island in about 4 hours, it took us about that long to get from Humacao to Jayuya, through the winding roads internal to the island. The scene started off wonderful as the sun set over the water with our desire to get to the mountains before it got too late. As we got closer to Jayuya, the roads were dimly lit, only by our headlights until the point that it got so dark that we could not see anything.
We lowered our windows to be able to hear oncoming cars and as we started to get into the higher elevation, it got darker and we had to slow down as the roads are technically one lane each way but only if both cars are small Toyota Corollas.
As we get into downtown Jayuya, my memory of my prior trips there kicked in and the car went into autopilot. I would take this back road and that back road until we got to the bottom of the last climb to where my family lives.
My family lives in an area of Jayuya called Caricaboa but also known as Puerto Plata. It is near the top of the mountains and in order to get up to where they live, you have to put the car in 1st gear and floor it, while climbing up a concrete road that is slippery given the small streams of water coming from the side of the mountain.
As we made our way to my uncle's house, you have to take a sharp curve at the bottom of the hill and gun it so that you can make it up the driveway. The car slips and slides up the driveway as it struggles to grab onto the road but the momentum is able to get you to your destination.
I pulled straight into the car port my uncle had built and shut off the car. Wayne stopped holding his breath and took a sigh of relief.
I got out of my car and saw my uncle standing there on the porch. I yelled "BendiciĆ³n" and we both started to laugh. He said out loud that he knew of only one person who could park like that, and that it had to be me. He was not aware I was coming by but did hear I was in Puerto Rico.
You see, this was before phones were prevalent in the island, especially in that mountain. It was 1989 and the only way to communicate with that area was through letters or if an emergency, calling the police department downtown to have them send a message up.
Wayne and I got out and walked inside. It was at that time that I asked my uncle if it was a problem for us to stay there. Including Wayne. Of course the answer was an emphatic no. He would be welcome anytime.
It was about 10:30PM that night and Wayne would say something and I would translate it to Spanish. My uncle and aunt would answer and I would translate it back. We went back and forth for about 45 minutes when my aunt asked me if we wanted some chicken soup. I asked Wayne if he was hungry and he said yes, that would be great. My aunt disappeared while Wayne and my uncle continued to talk, with me translating all along. About an hour later, my aunt shows up with a bowl of homemade chicken soup. Wayne, had been wondering all along what had happened to the soup. He thought she must had forgotten it. After all, he thought he was going to get chicken soup from a can when what we were served instead was an amazing homemade chicken soup. I am sure that chicken was running around in the yard, probably a few days earlier.
We spent the next few days in Jayuya, looking around the beautiful landscape, touring the town until I brought Wayne back to the airport for his trek home. It was 2+ hours to the airport and the same back. I stayed in town a few more days to visit with my family.
I was able to record my trip with the VHS video camera I brought with me on the trip. One of the best memories I recorded was that of my grandfather Papa Moncho.
I am fortunate to have been given the chance to take that trip as that would be the last time I would see my Grandfather alive.
My visit was cut short due to an emergency. Just by chance, I woke up one day and decided to go downtown to the nearest phone booth and call home to speak with Luisa. To check in.
Luisa was pregnant with our first child and she had been trying to reach me for several days. She had even tried calling the police department and nobody had followed up with me to try to get a hold of me. A recent blood test had come back high and abnormal and they convinced her that she should get an amniocentesis. The doctors had suspected that the baby had a hole in its spine.
I cut my trip short and rushed home. I would later find out that we were going to have our first son. That he would be OK and that everything would be fine.
My grandfather passed away 4 months after that trip of cancer and exactly 30 days before Dan was born.
It has been almost 30 years since all of this occurred. Within a week of me writing this, Dan will be getting married.
Life goes on. The ups and downs of life are like a roller coaster ride. The memories you make, while sometimes sad, are actually healing because when they come rushing back they are like Chicken Soup for the Soul.
For over a year, after my dad passed away, I was in a dark place. I was angry, in shock, upset, in a state of total disbelief. I had just lost my brother-in-law, and then unexpectedly two weeks later lost my dad. For the next year, while we took care of mom, as we went through the grieving and healing process, we would see cardinals outside the window. A bright ruby red cardinal with amazing colors, flying around. It would randomly appear, at times when we were needing a touch or when it was unexpected. My sisters and Luisa would see it also.
My parents lived in Cardinal Woods Way and so the Cardinal was absolutely the appropriate sign that made us stop and say, "Hi Dad".
On the Saturdays I took care of mom, a song would appear in the Pandora station that would make me think of Dad. It would be either the ringtone I had for him or one of his favorite songs from Rafaelito MuƱoz. I would quickly point it out to mom, with tears running down my face. Knowing full well that she was not able to understand what I was saying or why I was crying. It stopped me in my tracks and took my breath away.
In a previous post, I mentioned about how I grew some beans and was wondering when they would be ready, only to have Facebook pop up a picture of my dad's beans 2 years earlier. Exactly the same day I asked if they would be ready.
For over 15 months, my sisters would tell me that Dad visited their dreams and spoke to them. That he was OK and to make sure that we took care of mom. All the while, I was left wondering why he wasn't visiting me in my dreams.
When mom passed away, I did not have the same pain that I had with Dad, of things left unsaid or undone. Regrets from not being able to have done more to delay that day from arriving or not having reacted sooner to the calls I received.
With mom, while it was definitely very sad to see her go, I felt closure. I felt that we had done everything we could for her while she was here with us and it was no longer warranted to see her suffer like she was.
Today it is 4 months since mom took her last breath. This past weekend, roughly a week after celebrating my 1st birthday without her, she appeared in my dream. It was a beautiful dream. She was walking and laughing. The smile on her face was priceless and told me everything. That she was OK. That she was at peace and back to being her joyful self. In the dream, I tucked her into bed, like the thousands of times I had done so and she smiled and gave me a good night kiss.
I woke up shortly thereafter with a smile on my own face. As soon as I opened up my Facebook, I was reminded about my profile pic I had used for so many years. One that I had not used since before she was with us. The one where she, in her lost state of mind, walked right up to me and put her arm around me. I grabbed it and held it tightly, making sure she knew that I was there for her. That I would do everything I could to take care of her.
I am sure she knows. She just wanted to give me a sign, so that I knew as well, that she was OK.
Eventually, dad also visited me in my dreams. The cardinal has also re-appeared several times. Though this time, he brings a companion. A female that follows him from tree to tree. They have come back many times and I just smile. Thanking them for the signs they are giving me.
This August 25th, is my first birthday without my cake buddy. Or more appropriately stated, my 1st 1/2 birthday. After more than 50 years of celebrating the birthday I shared with mom, I find myself struggling with how to feel today. Trying so desperately not to be sad on what was normally a joyous occasion, which frankly got less joyous every year as I wondered if it was the last one I would celebrate with her. Trying to remember all of the wonderful birthdays of years past.
For the past 13 years, I would walk into mom's house, shouting and singing "Happy Birthday to You and Me, Happy Birthday to You and Me..." Before that, before they retired and moved down to be with us, it would be the first phone call I would make to her. To wish her a Happy Birthday. To tell her how much I loved her and was so happy to share birthdays with her. To beg her to move to SC so that we can share it together.
My dad used to tell her that I was the best gift that he gave her, to which she would immediately respond, "Oh Yes, the labor pains and being in the hospital on my birthday... The best gift!". I would wonder at times, if that was something that actually bothered her or if it was her way at humor. :)
As time evolved, the celebrations got smaller but I still made an effort, to try to make her happy on that special day of ours. The cake evolved from regular cake with ice cream to an ice cream cake which was her favorite. With her disease evolving, giving her something cold and refreshing to cool her mouth which was always closed was also an added bonus.
Today, this day, my 1st half birthday, all I can think about is how eventually I got my birthday wish. For mom to move down so we can share our birthdays together.
This birthday, I won't wonder if it will be my last birthday with her. I now will wonder when we will get to celebrate it again.
It has been 3 months since Mom left us to join Dad. As I struggle to try to remember and capture what we went through as a family for 12 years there are certain memories that continue to resonate.
The memories of how much we laughed in spite of the sadness, depression, pain and outright anger over seeing mom struggle with her disease as it progressed. These memories are reinforced by the FaceBook memories that pop up on our feed. By the pictures we come across as we scroll through our photo gallery on our phones. By the simple things we do such as getting ice cream, Vanilla of course, which is what Mom would only ever ask for.
We committed ourselves to mom and promised that we would do what we could, to make her happy, to capture every moment, to hold on to her as long as we could. In the process, we transformed our grief and anger into love for mom and giving her the best quality of life we could give her.
We made it our mission to give her as much laughter and happiness as we could. To keep her in the moment and not let her suffer in her despair as she lost her memories and her self. Her smile and laughter were genuine and genuinely beautiful. When you consider how much she suffered in her childhood and even later in her years, it was miraculous to see how truly happy she was. Especially with her family. We did everything we could to keep make her happy.
We all did our part.
Those who know me, know that if I am going to do something though, it will be 150%. I did everything I could to not only make her laugh, but laugh as hard as she could.
One thing I would always do is ask her if I was her favorite. I would do this constantly. It would drive her nuts. I would try to get her to say I was her favorite and her answer was always the same. That she loved ALL of her children and she could not pick one over the other. I would ask her again, and again, I would get the same answer. I think I asked every day.
Until one day, when I came back from a week long trip...
To Evelyn, Carmen and Annie. I know mom loved all of us equally. I think that she finally caved and said this, just so she can shut me up and I would stop asking. Maybe.
Another thing I would do is tell her that we should get tattoos. I would say "Mom, let's get tattoos! I'll pay for them! Mine will say, "Angelita mi Mamita" and she should get one that says, "Rafaelito, mi favorito!". She did not like that idea but she would laugh at my shenanigans.
Towards the end, her disease was tenacious in doing everything it could, to rob her of her soul, her spirit, and her happiness. Her happiness was her family and she demonstrated that with a genuine laughter that was absolutely beautiful and priceless.
Eventually, as she was forgetting who we were and who she was, there was still happiness in her life through the videos we would take while we were with her.
Of course, I would push those buttons once again, a bit too far, and she would show her sign of desperation of my difficult question, if I was her favorite. That is, until she saw herself again and was delighted to see a familiar face that she recognized of a beautiful lady that she once knew.
Mom, I know you are laughing and smiling with dad once again. Looking down at us, being happy that we are still able to laugh and smile at the things we do, especially when the memories we had with you both come back. I am truly happy at the thought of that.
But, my happiest times were when I was trying desperately to make you laugh. When I would push those buttons to get those juices flowing. When I saw that you were lost and the mere fact of me coming in, seeing you and saying as loud as I could, "Angelita! You miss me?"
I am grateful that I was able to do my part to make you happy.
