The memories of how much we laughed in spite of the sadness, depression, pain and outright anger over seeing mom struggle with her disease as it progressed. These memories are reinforced by the FaceBook memories that pop up on our feed. By the pictures we come across as we scroll through our photo gallery on our phones. By the simple things we do such as getting ice cream, Vanilla of course, which is what Mom would only ever ask for.
We committed ourselves to mom and promised that we would do what we could, to make her happy, to capture every moment, to hold on to her as long as we could. In the process, we transformed our grief and anger into love for mom and giving her the best quality of life we could give her.
We made it our mission to give her as much laughter and happiness as we could. To keep her in the moment and not let her suffer in her despair as she lost her memories and her self. Her smile and laughter were genuine and genuinely beautiful. When you consider how much she suffered in her childhood and even later in her years, it was miraculous to see how truly happy she was. Especially with her family. We did everything we could to keep make her happy.
We all did our part.
Those who know me, know that if I am going to do something though, it will be 150%. I did everything I could to not only make her laugh, but laugh as hard as she could.
One thing I would always do is ask her if I was her favorite. I would do this constantly. It would drive her nuts. I would try to get her to say I was her favorite and her answer was always the same. That she loved ALL of her children and she could not pick one over the other. I would ask her again, and again, I would get the same answer. I think I asked every day.
Until one day, when I came back from a week long trip...
To Evelyn, Carmen and Annie. I know mom loved all of us equally. I think that she finally caved and said this, just so she can shut me up and I would stop asking. Maybe.
Another thing I would do is tell her that we should get tattoos. I would say "Mom, let's get tattoos! I'll pay for them! Mine will say, "Angelita mi Mamita" and she should get one that says, "Rafaelito, mi favorito!". She did not like that idea but she would laugh at my shenanigans.
Towards the end, her disease was tenacious in doing everything it could, to rob her of her soul, her spirit, and her happiness. Her happiness was her family and she demonstrated that with a genuine laughter that was absolutely beautiful and priceless.
Eventually, as she was forgetting who we were and who she was, there was still happiness in her life through the videos we would take while we were with her.
Of course, I would push those buttons once again, a bit too far, and she would show her sign of desperation of my difficult question, if I was her favorite. That is, until she saw herself again and was delighted to see a familiar face that she recognized of a beautiful lady that she once knew.
Mom, I know you are laughing and smiling with dad once again. Looking down at us, being happy that we are still able to laugh and smile at the things we do, especially when the memories we had with you both come back. I am truly happy at the thought of that.
But, my happiest times were when I was trying desperately to make you laugh. When I would push those buttons to get those juices flowing. When I saw that you were lost and the mere fact of me coming in, seeing you and saying as loud as I could, "Angelita! You miss me?"
I am grateful that I was able to do my part to make you happy.
I miss you.
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