When you look for signs...and they appear

For over a year, after my dad passed away, I was in a dark place.  I was angry, in shock, upset, in a state of total disbelief.  I had just lost my brother-in-law, and then unexpectedly two weeks later lost my dad.  For the next year, while we took care of mom, as we went through the grieving and healing process, we would see cardinals outside the window.  A bright ruby red cardinal with amazing colors, flying around.  It would randomly appear, at times when we were needing a touch or when it was unexpected.  My sisters and Luisa would see it also.

My parents lived in Cardinal Woods Way and so the Cardinal was absolutely the appropriate sign that made us stop and say, "Hi Dad".

On the Saturdays I took care of mom, a song would appear in the Pandora station that would make me think of Dad.  It would be either the ringtone I had for him or one of his favorite songs from Rafaelito Muñoz.  I would quickly point it out to mom, with tears running down my face.  Knowing full well that she was not able to understand what I was saying or why I was crying.  It stopped me in my tracks and took my breath away.

In a previous post, I mentioned about how I grew some beans and was wondering when they would be ready, only to have Facebook pop up a picture of my dad's beans 2 years earlier.  Exactly the same day I asked if they would be ready.

For over 15 months, my sisters would tell me that Dad visited their dreams and spoke to them.  That he was OK and to make sure that we took care of mom.  All the while, I was left wondering why he wasn't visiting me in my dreams.

When mom passed away, I did not have the same pain that I had with Dad, of things left unsaid or undone.  Regrets from not being able to have done more to delay that day from arriving or not having reacted sooner to the calls I received.

With mom, while it was definitely very sad to see her go, I felt closure.  I felt that we had done everything we could for her while she was here with us and it was no longer warranted to see her suffer like she was.

Today it is 4 months since mom took her last breath.  This past weekend, roughly a week after celebrating my 1st birthday without her, she appeared in my dream.  It was a beautiful dream.   She was walking and laughing.  The smile on her face was priceless and told me everything.  That she was OK.  That she was at peace and back to being her joyful self.  In the dream, I tucked her into bed, like the thousands of times I had done so and she smiled and gave me a good night kiss.

I woke up shortly thereafter with a smile on my own face.  As soon as I opened up my Facebook, I was reminded about my profile pic I had used for so many years.  One that I had not used since before she was with us.  The one where she, in her lost state of mind, walked right up to me and put her arm around me.  I grabbed it and held it tightly, making sure she knew that I was there for her.  That I would do everything I could to take care of her.

I am sure she knows.  She just wanted to give me a sign, so that I knew as well, that she was OK.

Eventually, dad also visited me in my dreams.   The cardinal has also re-appeared several times.  Though this time, he brings a companion.  A female that follows him from tree to tree.  They have come back many times and I just smile.  Thanking them for the signs they are giving me.

I miss you both.