Rie y Llora - Que a cada cual le llega su hora

I'm sensitive to starting every post reliving the pain of what our entire family has gone through over the past couple of years.  However, in the past 3 months, our family has experienced a transformation of nothing but amazing moments that continue to bring us together and be giddy about celebrating life and our beautifully expanding family.  Yes we have those moments where the holidays remind us of what we have lost.

But those moments now pale in comparison to the excitement of having celebrated two amazing weddings within this short time frame.  In October 2019, it was Dan and Jill.  Luisa and I had a natural high leading up to the wedding and then for about a month afterwards.  Now it was Desiree' and Spencer's turn to tie the knot and give us hope for a better future.

The day was as beautiful as the bride. The location picturesque. The venue, prepared with an attention to detail that would not only excite us about what we would all experience but sweetly reminding us of those who would not be joining us physically but without a doubt, in spirit.

From the memory room, with Abuelo's handcrafted furniture to the two dominoes tables on the porch, just begging to hear Miguel yell "La Gorda" and proclaim "My House, My Rules".  Their presence was felt everywhere.  Several of us wore his suits, ties, shirts, and even the bridesmaid's flowers were wrapped with Miguel's ties.

As the guests began to stroll in and sip from the champagne glass, we were all admiring the location and the shear beauty of the place.  All of us, very consciously aware this day would be full of joy while trying to keep our emotions in check so we can focus on the bride and her husband to be.

As the ceremony began, our anticipation and excitement grew upon seeing Desiree' walk down the paved path in Denise's arms.  The friends and family, giving them both support and admiring the strength of those beautiful ladies, as the waves began to crash loudly against the rocks nearby.  Then as Reverend Jorge started to speak his words, the ocean calmed to the point you could hear a pin drop.  

The wedding vows romantic and full of emotions like the crowd sitting in the chairs, tears flowing with all of the love for this family.

The celebration capped the night with great speeches, incredible food, and non-stop dancing throughout the entire time.  

There was one moment, where it all came full circle.  A song, a tribute to Miguel, where everybody was asked to dance with the newlyweds and the family.  Everybody joined the dance floor which at first did not appear to be big enough, but obviously was.

The tribute song was "Rie y Llora" (Laugh and Cry) by Celia Cruz. On my drive back from FL, I listened to the song several times, wanting to dissect the words and appreciate its significance.

...

Lo que es bueno hoy

Quizás no lo sea mañana

He ahí el valor del momento

He ahí el presente perfecto

...

No es que recuerde, sino que no olvido

Eso es el perdón, recordar sin dolor

Agárrate fuerte y ya no te sueltes

Ríe, llora

Que a cada cual le llega su hora (le llega, le llega)

Ríe, llora

Vive tu vida y gózala toda (vive tu vida y gózala toda)

Here is the song with lyrics

Essentially, tomorrow is not guaranteed. Therefore live your life in the moment.  The perfect moment at this current time.  It's not that you have to remember the pains of the past, but that you cannot forget the good moments of today.  Laugh, Cry, as our time will come for all of us.  So live your life and enjoy everything.

This was exactly what Miguel wanted us to do and how he lived his life.  Enjoying the moment, thanking God for all of our blessings, namely our family.  

As the newlyweds make their way to their honeymoon, and to begin their future together, the pictures and comments from all of the people that witnessed this magical event are flowing on everybody's respective Facebook pages.  The smiles and comments say it all.  

Life is good.  Especially with a family and friends like we have.

Congratulations Desi and Spencer.  May God Bless your marriage and may you always live your life, in the moment.

The Tie That Binds

The tie that binds (or the ties that bind) is the shared belief or other factor that links people together.

There are certain events that forces a change in the routine.  The birth of a child, moving to a new place or the loss of a loved one, just to name a few.

Trying to get back on the saddle is hard. Very hard.  The feelings and desires of having things be just like they used to be.  The pattern of doing things you have done year after year and then suddenly... they come to a screeching halt.

For us, every year, it was the same routine. Celebrate Christmas in SC, and New Years in FL.

The New Years celebration routine would usually start two days after Christmas and would end on the 2nd of January. Roughly 14 hour trips each way to begin the nonstop, running around of preparation for the big event. 

Un-boxing the decorations from the garage, numerous runs to the supermarkets, (yes that is plural because no matter how many times we did this, we always forgot something and it is impossible to get everything in one place), ordering and then picking up the pig on the 30th, preparing it so that it can seasoned overnight and be ready for the big day on the 31st. 

Spend the day on the 30th cleaning the house and setting up all of the decorations to make sure that the place looked as magical as the views of the ball dropping on the TV of Sydney, then London, then New York.

Waking up early on the 31st to start the charcoal, clean the Caja China, set up the dominoes table so that we can drink beer or Cuba Libres (yes also plural) all while keeping an eye on the pig while we roast it.

Battling the winds and each other as we argued to make sure we, ok Miguel, would not burn the pig.  Of course, reminding each other, how we did it in years' past and that we should not fix what was obviously not broken and had been perfected over time.

Then while everyone was getting ready for the main dinner on New Years Eve, carving up the Lechón, and then scrambling to take showers so we don't smell or look like the pig we just roasted.

Celebrating family, our shared love for one another and the blessings upon us as we welcomed the new year, unsure of what it would bring, but sure that we would be here the following year doing exactly the same thing.

Looking at the pictures and videos of prior years only made us anxious to get the routine started.

On January 2018, Miguel, my truly one of a kind brother-in-law, shared a dream he previously had with Denise.  In his dream, he was attending funeral after funeral and said that all he saw were the losses that we as a family would have in 2018.  Not realizing of course, that he would be the first to leave us on March 21st a couple of months later, followed by my father, Rafa, just 10 days after that on April 2nd.  Then by Tia Margot (my side) and Tia Onelia (Luisa's side), along with both my father-in-law, Miguel Humberto on March 11th of 2019, 10 days shy of when his son Miguel had predeceased him and then most recently concluding with my mom Angela, on May 11th.

With the incredible losses of so many loved ones over these past 2 years, along with other circumstances, the usual New Year's Eve celebration changed drastically this year.  The tone was also completely different. 

This year, our boys and other loved ones could not make the trip. 

We did not roast a full pig, have a party or even dust off the dominoes.  We did have dinner together, with a pernil and then sat around the TV and watched old videos of our prior celebrations. 

We did our best to come together and continue moving forward.  We even put on music as we danced with the kids to honor the memories of the ones we love by keeping the traditions alive.



One of the songs played was Marc Anthony's Vivir Mi Vida which translated is Live My Life.

In the verse, he says:

We must continue.  We need to go on and live our life to the fullest.  We must continue to follow the traditions we set forth many years ago as can be seen in this photo.

Yes, it will be different and will never truly be the same as it used to be, no matter how much we wish for it to be. In the end, it was not about the music or the pig, or the new years hats and celebrations that we did this.

It was about our amazing family.  It was about being together to welcome the New Year.  To be there for one another as our life evolves with new beginnings, as well as the challenges that may come down our way.  To live our life or Vivir Mi Vida.

This year, 2020, we will celebrate another one of our children get married, we will welcome a new baby, we will travel to new places and create new memories.  But even though it is still far out, we can be sure of one thing.  We will get together at the end of the year, like we have always done to welcome the New Year.

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad

Today, December 15th is my parents wedding anniversary.  They would have celebrated their 57th anniversary.  Mom was 20 years old when she got married to dad, who was 26 at the time.  Both, having lived difficult lives up until they were married, promised each other in their vows that they would be together from that point forward.

Coming from humble, truth be told, very poor beginnings and moving to a new land to pursue a better life, Mom and Dad did everything they could to live the life they could. To work hard and make sure they could provide for their family.  To be an example of husband and wife that would enable us to learn the true meaning of love.

Growing up, mom and dad never really made a big deal of their anniversary such as go out to dinner like most couples do, except for Dad's last minute "splurge" on Chinese food, but he would bring her flowers on his way back from work, which mom loved and appreciated.  Carnations were her favorite and he made sure the bouquet had some.  That was the extent of their celebration.  That said, there was no doubt in our minds that they loved and were committed to each other.

Both found their soul partner in each other.  Someone that would be there in good times and in bad.  They took satisfaction, that their marriage meant so much to us.  That we understood the simplicity of their marriage but the genuine strength and love they had for each other.  Their love was a testament of their faith in God and appreciation for the life they had and all of the blessings that they were given.  Primarily, their family.  Their 4 children and spouses, 11 grandchildren some of which having spouses of their own, and their 4 great grandchildren.  Their life was complete in their eyes, and in ours.

Growing up, Mom was the caregiver and Dad was the provider.  As Mom got progressively worse with her disease, their roles reversed.  Dad's only worry was to make sure that Mom was taken care of.  That she was comfortable, fed, bathed, properly taken care of, especially with how we would tuck her in her bed, but their faith never wandered.



Even when we knew that it was beyond the point that mom should be going to Church, dad continued to insist that we do so and mom was eager to go there until the job of getting her ready, the stress of the drive and her inability to walk or sit in the pews were too much for her.


Their love was visible for all to see, in how they looked at and were with each other.  There was no doubt in anybody's mind.

Dad predeceased mom by 13 months and for their last few years together, Mom did not know who he was, nor was she able to really appreciate the fact that it was their anniversary and that he was her soulmate.  But while they were both around, and able to, they fulfilled their commitment to love and to hold, in sickness and in health, til' death do they part.

This anniversary, their first since Mom joined Dad, we are saddened by the lack of their presence, but with tears flowing of joy that the two of them are back together again.

We love you.

Sacrifices

When we were growing up, Dad had a little brown box bank full of coins and bills.  The coins and bills were actually very old coins that included a half dime, a silver dollar, Buffalo nickels, indian head coins, $5 dollar bills with a silver certificate or red numbers and other "prized possessions". According to Quora, the 1963 $5 bill with red numbers is now worth about $25 with the silver one worth much more than that.

Every once in a while, we would either ask him to open it up or he would open it up when he wanted to look at them and admire his cool collection.  When he came across a new coin that would be added to his collection, he would ask for the box and one of us would run to his bedroom and grab the box from his top drawer where he kept it.

Even as he was adding the new coin to the box, he would take it as an opportunity to check out his precious savings. 

Years later, after dad retired and moved down, we came across the box in the house.  We also came to find out that back in late '79, dad had sold off his collection so he can pay for a trip for us to go to Puerto Rico.  We usually took a trip to PR every 5-7 years but as our family got bigger, it became more expensive for us to go there.  It was roughly 2 years after my youngest sister Annie was born and Dad felt it was time to go back, so everybody could see the "baby".  We went back during Christmas, and it was the only Christmas I recall us spending in Puerto Rico.

We were devastated but realized that Dad had made a sacrifice of his precious collection of coins to pay for that trip.  In the end, money was money but this was not the kind of money that comes around again unless you want to purchase it from a collector in the first place.  It must have weighed heavily in his mind to do so but the desire to go to PR to visit the family was enough for him to sell his collection.  He was not saving it for a rainy day nor was he doing so just to pay for a vacation.

As I have previously written, Dad passed away last year in early 2018 and mom earlier this year.  I have finally started to go through all of the massive collection of paperwork I brought over from their house so I can keep what I need, and shred the things I don't, such as old medical bills.

As I emptied one of the boxes and folders, a little coin purse fell out containing the last bit of his collection.   It brought me back to my youth and cracking open "the safe" with him and how he loved to look at those coins.  I did not know he kept this small bunch.

This Thanksgiving was the first one without both of my parents and all I kept thinking about were the sacrifices they had made for us.  Not just about taking us to Puerto Rico to visit family, but everything they did to make sure we understood and appreciated everything they did for us.  Leaving Puerto Rico when Mom was pregnant with me, to start a new life in a strange land, not knowing the culture or anybody.  Makes us appreciate what we have, but also truly understand the desire of others to want to live the American dream.  All while still remembering where we came from.

A Wave of Emotions Knocking You Down

After three weeks of essentially being on the road, I came home to try to fall back into my normal routine.  Cut the grass, run some errands and just try to unwind from what was a very intense several weeks of trade shows, meetings, airports, rental cars and living out of a suit case.

During this time, I also starting thinking about my parents and how much I miss them.  My senses were further heightened as I went through some of the paperwork that has been stacking up over this time.  Including medical and bank statements with mom and dad's name on them.

Dad passed away over a year and 7 months ago and today marks 6 months since mom left to join him. We are still getting statements as the insurance company continues to tell us of things that have been resolved.

I made things worse on myself as I started watching some videos and looking at old pictures that were also in piles on my home desk, that were part of my "todo list".  To put them away in a drawer or album.

Hearing their voices in the videos, made me both smile and cry.  The evening wine only helped let my guard down as the wave of emotions that overcame me felt like I was about to drown. 

I am not depressed, or I genuinely don't think I am, but every now and then, the continuous thought of my parents not being around are like waves that crash at me trying to knock me down.  I went to bed, trying not to stress myself out and spent the night dreaming about them, having conversations with them and hearing their voices in my dreams.

Yesterday, I finally got the nerve to request that dad's Facebook profile be memorialized.  Partially due to the concern of it somehow getting compromised and then having to deal with that and the fact that it was something that I needed to do.  Again, back to that "todo list".

The email I got from Facebook after I did it was actually very warm and touching.  Clearly, thought went into how they need to help family members handle this task.

In my search for pictures and special quotes for which to help me convey what I am feeling, I came across a blog written by Andrea Barberio who used the same analogy of the emotion of grief coming in waves and being knocked down by one of the waves.

This weekend, one of the pictures I came across was of mom, who could not swim, walking back from the beach, while I was in the ocean with Dan when he was roughly 2 years old.  There were no waves to knock her down or pull me under.  The water was warm and inviting.  The memories of Mom walking back, calmly gave me peace and comfort that I will be OK with the waves that come every now and then. 

Another picture I came across was of mom and dad, in the late 60's, with mom pregnant with one of my sisters.  

It reminded me that Mom and Dad are back together again and have been so for exactly 6 months now. 

It helped me realize that it's OK to have the waves of emotions and tears come crashing.  The wave will pass and I will once again be at peace, enjoying the tranquility in the ocean of memories of my time with them.

I miss you Mom and Dad.

Happily Ever After

According to Dictionary.com, the phrase "live happily ever after" means to:

"Spend the rest of one's life in happiness, as in In her romantic novels the hero and heroine end up marrying and then live happily ever after. This hyperbolic phrase ends many fairy tales. [Mid-1800s]"

This past weekend Luisa and I had the ultimate parent's dream come true of watching our first born son, Dan, pledge his love to his new wife, Jill, at their wedding.

I may sound biased, but it was the most romantic and perfect wedding we have experienced.  There was not a single thing that went wrong, not just to the naked eye, but as confirmed by everyone that attended and was a part of this beautiful celebration.  The detail that went into the wedding was incredible and I know both of them are delighted and relieved at successfully reaching that pinnacle moment after all of that planning and getting ready to begin their new life adventure.

It is every parent's wish for their child to find the perfect partner that will share their child's dreams and support them in every way.  For us, having two boys, it was also the added benefit of having a daughter added to our family, by way of our first daughter-in-law.  After the wedding, Luisa and I looked at each other and said out loud, "we now have a daughter-in-law", just so that it can feel even that much more real!

At their wedding, as best man, I had the privilege of sharing some advice.

It was a beautiful wedding with over a hundred family members and close friends.  While every detail was perfect, the the one that continues to replay in my mind was the mother & son dance that Luisa had with Dan.   I don't know if it is because of my regret of not doing this with my mom when I had a chance, even though Luisa suggested several times that I should do so, or because of the song that Luisa picked out that symbolizes that special moment.

However, as I was recording the video of Luisa and Dan, I could not stop reflecting about how proud we both were of everything that transpired on that special day.

The song she picked, Milagro (Miracle) by Gloria Estefan, is a tribute to a child and how special they are in your life.  The key parts that resonated are (translated):

They are our treasures,

they are our happiness.

It's because of them

that life becomes sweeter

and we live a better life.

The children are our blessing,

the miracle of our love.

They teach us how to love

and open our hearts.

They are our blessing

the miracle of our love.

They are the essence of our home,

a gift from God....

As the newlyweds tour Spain for their honeymoon, we are all here still in awe about how special that day was and what it really meant, not just for them, but for us as well.

In light of all of the sadness over these years, it was wonderful to find joy and be happy again.

May Dan and Jill live Happily Ever After!

A message to my son at his wedding

There is a rumor that Dan picked me as the best man primarily because he did not want someone to screw up the toast at his wedding. Well, let’s hope I don’t do that.

He must have also thought he would get a chance to proofread it like he does my blogs at times.
Well no, he did not get to proofread what I am about to say.

Dan sent me into total shock Father’s Day last year when he asked me to be his best man.
I had just lost my dad just two months earlier and was already on shaky ground.

I actually did not know what to think. I now understand that it is more common than I realized and know of several of Dan’s friends that have done this.

Dan has always had some amazing friends. Friends that would do anything or go anywhere with him. These friends, the ones that stood there supporting him this afternoon for his wedding, would be willing to drive or fly into the path of a hurricane to celebrate a special weekend with Dan in the Keys.

Looking back though, I can understand why he would ask me to be his best man.

You would think it is because the of the relationship we have had from the beginning. One that is more than just a father/son relationship.

No. it’s because nobody knows him as much as I do and therefore nobody would be able to embarrass him like I am about to do.

Jill, even though you two have been together for several years, I am sure you have already figured out some of these things that I am about to tell you.

Things that as the years pass, as long as you keep these things in mind, you will learn how to “deal” with him.

Be warned that Dan can hold grudges.

I figured this out when I took my first business trip and was away for several days. I came home, so excited to see him that when I walked through the door, he absolutely refused to get near me or talk to me for several hours.

That is when I learned that when I went away on trips, I had to make sure to bring him something. It didn’t matter if it was a list minute item I bought at a store in the airport or if it was one of the free swags you get at a trade show. You know the company branded Frisbee's and rubber stress balls.

So when he gets like that, buy him something. Doesn’t matter what it is, he quickly will forget that he is mad at you. He especially likes the Scansource tee shirts you get him.

Dan comes across like he is all reserved and obedient, but he has a little rebellious streak.

- He was a challenge from beginning. When he was about 2 years old, I used to come back from work, quickly change into my swim trunks and take him to the neighborhood pool. The problem was that I was not that confident in my ability to swim so I would go to the shallow end and tell him to jump in. He would run to the deep end and jump in. He did this more than once.

- Then there was the time that we actually lost him at the McDonalds at Disney world. One minute he was there with us and then he was not. It was crowded as heck and we freaked out thinking the worst. Luisa went one door and I went to the other and worked our way in until we found him in the middle of the crowd.

- Finally, his great grandmother used to take him for walks around the waterfront until one day he tried to run away and she had to grab him by the hair. From that point on, she just kept him in the back yard playing with his dinosaurs and with a stick in the mud.

The only suggestion I can give is to give him tasks or something to play with. That will keep him in place and out of trouble.

Dan hates to be pressured to do things that are outside of his comfort zone.

- He especially hates to be forced to do things that he swears up and down he doesn’t want to do. He complained for several months before we went on a camping trip, how much he hated hiking. He did not want to be go. We went to New Mexico to hike for over 50 miles in a week and after that, he came back swearing about the trip. That it was the best trip he had been on with me.

- The trick is that he was eating about 3-5,000 calories a day. So when you want him to do something that he does not want to do. Just feed him. He’ll get over it.

Finally, if you haven’t figured this out, Dan likes his sleep and when it’s lights out, I mean it is lights out. He is dead to the world and nothing can really wake him up.
- One time, he was sick and in bed and we heard a large crash from his bedroom. Dan had rolled over the edge of his bed and crashed on the floor. He just kept on sleeping. We picked him up, took him to the bathroom, washed him down and put him back in bed. He did not remember a thing the next day.

- For this, the only thing I would suggest is that if he falls off the bed, just take a pillow and prop his head. You will not be able to wake him up and you can definitely not lift him up. He is dead weight when he is out.

I can go on and on about what it was like living with Dan but then we’ll still be here celebrating your first anniversary if we continue.

Besides, I want to now share some advice to Dan.

When I got married, my dad pulled aside the night before and said to me in a straight face:

“You know about, You know, right?” So Dan, you know about, you know, right?... 😊

Seriously, marriage life is a roller coaster with ups and downs, or a game that throws fastballs and curve-balls at you. The primary reason you get married is so that you can take that journey with someone who will be there for you equally, unconditionally and for you to reciprocate.

The key word in that statement is “equally”. Jill is your partner. She is the one that will support you like no other person can and will just as easily push your buttons.

That is OK. Just have patience and remember that this is not a sprint but a marathon. As I have always said, life is a journey, and not the destination. You want to take chances, do things together, experience things that take you outside of your comfort zone. So get on that roller coaster that you have always been afraid of. Your partner has your back.

Make Memories with each other. Things that make you laugh, despite the curve balls thrown at you at times.

Remember that the answer to the question, how do I look is, “you look great”. The answer to every meal she makes is, “it is delicious babe”. The answer to every argument whether you feel you are right or not, is “I’m sorry.”

To Jill.

Being the brother to 3 younger sisters and no brothers, Luisa and I thought that when we began having children, we would have girls. Up until we found out that Dan was a boy, we assumed it would be a girl and we would have no problem with that. We thank Dan for finally giving us the daughter we have been waiting for all along.

I heard you mention one time, after all of the unfortunate sadness we have had over these years that you “get it”. You get why our family is so close and appear to spend all of our time together, making a big deal of birthdays and anniversaries…etc. It is because when we are at our lowest point, we come together to support each other. Well Jill, it also that when we are at are highest point that we make it a big deal as well.

Luisa and I welcome you to the family and we are honored to have you as part of our family.

May God bless your marriage every day. May you both wake up every day excited about what the new day will bring and go to bed thankful for what you have been given.

Congratulations.

Now everybody please raise you glass.

A toast to Jill and Dan.

Salud!