My Father-In-Law.
I first met Miguel Humberto shortly after starting to date Luisa in 1980. I actually think I met him before that and knew of him but did not really know him until we started dating. My first real recollection of him was when I went to Luisa's parents house one day and we were sitting on the floor, up stairs in the family (TV room), watching TV, just talking with her mom. Suddenly I heard a noise, the door open and close, and then footsteps downstairs as her father started to walk through the house to come upstairs.
Luisa and I were embraced in our arms, sitting on the floor, talking with her mother and watching TV when I heard the sounds. Within seconds of hearing this, I jumped into the air and quickly sat on the sofa, trying to show respect when Luisa and her mother started laughing at me while I hushed them to not embarrass me. I was so concerned about my first impression and was not interested in him coming in and seeing this creep with his arms around his only daughter.
When he came upstairs, I stood up, extended my hand and shook his. Needless to say, he asked what they were laughing about and proceeded to embarrass me anyhow by telling him what had just happened. And that was how they welcomed me into the family.
Almost immediately I saw that it was very different than what I was familiar with. My first time to a nice restaurant (not McDonald's or the local Chinese restaurant), was with Humberto and his family. I was quickly embraced as part of their family and the 8 of us, which included Luisa's grandparents, Miguel and his girlfriend Denise would go out every Sunday after church to a nice restaurant to celebrate as a family. I found myself over there almost every day, not because of the food, though I ate everything I was provided, but because he made me feel at home, like I was one of them. And had been all along. It was there that we also learned the value of "family style" Chinese food. He would buy a bunch of food and share it so that all of us could taste everything.
Because I would always be hanging out there, over time he grew to treat me like a son. Much to the chagrin of his son, Miguel. Miguel was not so much jealous, but there definitely was a little competitive streak in him that kicked in because I was doing more and more with Humberto. Miguel was a very finicky eater whereas my pallete was much more adventurous. I tried everything and that was something that Humberto really appreciated. Early on, Miguel started to make certain comments, of which his most famous was, "Ralphie, Until you do, I don't". Humberto and Martha did not like that at all, especially when Luisa made a real stink about it, that he got reprimanded by his parents.
Humberto had a bar in the dining room, that was THE party place. Every weekend, we would hang out there, listening to music from his amazing record collection, or jokes from one of the 26 Alvarez Guedez albums he had, while we had a drink. From there, it would lead to dancing in the dining room with all of us, once a great song, like La Murga would come on. It was amazing to do this every weekend, be together, enjoying each other's company, laughing with and at each other, and really just enjoying life. That was the thing that amazed me of Humberto. He lived life for today and not tomorrow. He worked hard and everything he made, he spent on partying, going out to restaurants, going to Texas to be with his brother around the holidays and just living life to the fullest. The bar and his house were so revered that almost all of his other friends, including myself, ended up making sure we added a bar to our own places with a party room. Especially around the holidays, that music was blasting till 1 or 2 in the morning, or at least until the cops came to say that the music was too loud, which did happen at times!
From the beginning, Humberto would call me "Mi hijo", even way before I married Luisa. It was natural to him to think I was his other son, even if I did come from another set of parents. There were times that I would reach out to him to talk about the relationship I had with my own father and the frustration I was feeling because we could not connect at a certain level. I was envious about the relationship he had with his son that I wanted to have a similar one between my dad and I.
When Luisa and I got engaged, he immediately went to his bar and open up a bottle of champagne for us to celebrate even though he did so with tears in his eyes. Part of it due to his happiness for us but the other part because his precious daughter was taking her next step with me. She was of course, the quintessential Daddy's girl. He offered to either pay for a lavish wedding or to give us what he was planning on spending in cash so we can buy a house. We chose the wedding. The funny part was that after the wedding, Humberto had reserved another place for an after party, with pretty much all of the guests that came to our wedding, to attend so that they can continue partying and celebrating our wedding. Without us of course. He had even hired my cousin so he could be the DJ.
A few years after Luisa and I got married, we had saved up everything we could to buy our first house. We also did it while she was pregnant with our first born, Dan. What should have been one of the happiest times in my life, was also one of the most depressing and painful because it was so expensive buying our first home and putting everything into it, as well as the expense of having a new child who was born two weeks after we closed and moved into our house, that we could not afford to get our first Christmas Tree. It cost $35 and that was more than we had in our account, even though both of us had full time jobs. I cried so much because I felt like I failed and when I told him, his response was to immediately to get in his van, go to the tree farm, while he proceeded to buy our first tree.
Over the years our relationship got even closer. He never treated me any different than his own son, including insulting me just like he insulted his own son with special phrases that others would find offensive, but it was his manner of bonding. If I had a nickel for every time he called me "You bitch" or "Mira Pendejo", I could retire. But most of the times, he would affectionately say "Hello Mi Padre" the moment he saw me and give me a kiss and a hug worth a million dollars.
Trust me. I would push his buttons as well, walking into his house grandstanding and telling him that he should not bother to get up to help me with the luggage as we had arrived from our 12 hour trip to stay with them. I would call him regularly and give him crap for not calling me during the week. His response was that he always spoke with Luisa and asked for me, and that he prayed for me every day. He said he just knew I was busy and did not want to bother me to which I would reply "yeah, yeah, yeah". To which I would hear the familiar "Mira you bitch" again. We would then both laugh.
It was that relationship that I had with him that truly helped me form a better and stronger bond with my own father as well as with my sons. The kind I always wanted with dad when I was growing up and eventually got.
I would go on to establish a similar relationship with my own sons finally understanding that there was more to being a parent that ruled by rule and respect but becoming a confidant and trusted adviser. The first person you should be able to talk to when you need it most. A parent that would listen as much as preach but would finish up with a hug afterwards, every time. One that would apologize when recognizing fault. One that would not be afraid to show affection. In public.
In the end, I lost my second father on March 11, 2019. Within a few weeks just shy of a year from losing my own father on April 2, 2018. Humberto gave me the character and wisdom that led me down a better path towards fatherhood. He instilled in me that Life is for Living and enjoying the moment and not for reflecting the "what if's" of missed opportunities. He introduced me to the value of having friends and going out to eat as a family on Sundays after church to be thankful for what we have. Not just on special occasions.
The value of great music and great food but best of all, the great company, primarily one's own family, that brings and ties it all together. I will miss the moments of just he and I sneaking out to eat the chicharrones and other things that Martha would tell him not to, because he knew we would both enjoy it. Moments he shared with just me.
I was there when he took his last breath, holding his hand, kissing his forehead, praying for him like he had done for me for so many years. One of the most loving, caring and honorable person I have ever met and for giving me my wife of 34 years, his precious "Baby".
I used to tell him that I wanted my money back when there were times that Luisa would push my buttons. His response was "Listen, you pulled and I pulled. You pulled and I pulled. Finally you pulled, and I let go. It's your problem now."
Rest in Peace Mi Padre and Thank you for showing me the value of family and living for today, for without you, I would not be me.
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