For quite some time, I have struggled with this Mother’s Day. On one hand, I
am grateful that we are blessed to have mom still here with us. To be able to
touch her, kiss her, rub my fingers through her hair, hug her and feel her
warmth.
On the other hand I am deeply depressed, saddened, and feel an emptiness
inside knowing that she has been deprived of her purpose in life by this awful
disease. The one thing she was most proud of was being a mother. She
absolutely loved being a mother. Not just to her own children but to all of
the lives that she touched, raising half of the town we grew up in. It hurts my
soul to know that the days go by and she does not know, and cannot appreciate
that the love she had for us is being given back to her ten-fold. She would be
distraught knowing the details, but would have wanted nobody else taking care of
her. She did not ask for anything, except for the love of family.
For a person who lost her mother when she was only 6 years old, and was
raised for the most part by her father, it is incredible that she became a very
honorable, ever loving, always giving of herself, mother. Always smiling and
genuinely happy. Happy because she had everything she ever wanted. A family
and kids. You can see this whenever, even to this day, she looks at you, and
by the grace of God, she looks over to you and smiles or gives you a kiss
without you begging for one at least half a dozen times. Though they are
getting fewer and fewer in between.
Every year, we wonder what to get mom for Mother’s Day. Over the years, it
has gotten harder and harder as she became bed ridden and the only thing we
could get her were pajamas (smocks), that we tore up in the back so it does not
bother her when she sleeps on her back. But after a while, another pajama is
not going to make a difference. She has a drawer full. She does not perspire
or really get them dirty. Unless of course we spill something on her when
feeding her.
This year though, I could not bring myself to do this. Not to sound
heartless or selfish but I saw no value in it. I saw no reason to share with
her something that she could not and would not be able to appreciate. The same
with flowers. In the past, we would place them in the room and if she glanced
over to them, would bring her a smile.
This time, she won’t. She is barely capable of focusing on any part of the
room and just randomly looks around at things, only to appear to get stuck and
end up staring at some part of the empty wall or ceiling. So why do it?
I know there are a lot of people who have lost their moms or never even knew
theirs. That is what makes this so difficult. We know that this is not the
life she would have wanted and if she knew what everybody was doing to take care
of her, it would devastate her. Especially as humble and private as she was.
This Mother’s Day, I chose to not do anything special and to add salt to the
wound, went away on a business trip. I can’t even call her to tell her how much
I love her, that I miss her, and hear her laugh or her voice. This mother’s
day, I will spend the day wondering how much more empty the feeling inside me
can get or how much more helpless I can feel knowing that I can’t do anything to
help her, protect her and fix her problems. When a person loses a parent or
loved one, they grieve and over time, the wound heals. But with this disease,
it’s like you wake up every day and yank the scab so that you start bleeding
over and over again.
This Mother’s day will be like no other. Or it will be just like any other
day has been over the past year. Just wondering and feeling the pain in my soul
for what mom is going through. I love you mom. I only wish you knew how
much.
The latest Internet Craze, which is not crazy but an amazing example of the power of the Internet and the desire to do what is right, is the #IceBucketChallenge phenomenon that is bringing much needed awareness and donations to the ALS community.
I am in absolute awe as to the power of the Internet, the people, and a much needed human desire to “do the right thing”. It gives me hope that there is humanity still in this world compared to the doom and gloom that exists with wars, hatred, racism, extremism and pain in dealing with diseases that we are all exposed to on a daily basis.
I come home from work every day after a long day to walk in through one door in my house, swallow my dinner whole and then exit the other door and go visit my mom who has been losing her own battle with Alzheimer’s. It is a battle that she has been waging and losing for the past 6 years since she was diagnosed. I can’t say that we are the ones waging the battle, as although we are definitely suffering, she is the one that is losing herself to this dreadful disease.
I was challenged to take the IceBucketChallenge by my brother in law, and my cousin on the same day. This was right before I was going out of town, and also the day that I was going to visit my parents, which I normally do, right before I leave on a trip to say my goodbyes. I struggled with how to complete my challenge in the 24 hour period I was given when 24 hours later, I would be in a different city.
I struggled with the thought that while I absolutely, in my heart, know it is for a great cause and personally know someone who died as a result of this horrific disease; I am seeing my own mother, who I am about to share another birthday with, continue to die right in front of me.
I struggled with the fact that, while I was ecstatic that the ALS organization is getting the attention it absolutely deserves, and the poor souls dealing with this disease are getting an opportunity to hope for a future without this disease; the disease that my mom, and family, are dealing with does not seem any closer to being solved.
I struggled to think about what crazy Internet sensation I can come up with that would enable those families like ours that are dealing with Alzheimer’s to get a similar sense of hope through increased awareness and donation that I also feel is rightly deserved.
I took my trip, spent the day in the hotel watching ALS Ice Bucket videos and others that ranged from funny to sad to downright painful that I cried and could not stop thinking about them, so I watched them 2 or 3 times.
I felt bad and almost ashamed; like I was robbing the poor victims of something they deserve and being “jealous” of the fact that they got what they absolutely needed through this campaign.
I even thought about which was the worse of two evils: Losing your mind through Alzheimer’s but having a healthy body, or losing your body through ALS and having a healthy mind.
In the end, I did what I though was the right thing. I donated to the ALS Association and then matched it with an equal donation to the Alzheimer’s Association.
I almost lost my dad to cancer a few years ago, lost one of my grandfathers to it, and lost my other grandfather to Leukemia early on in my childhood.
There are many wars and battles being waged in our lives. Some we will win, others we may lose. These battles define who we are, challenge our faith unimaginably, but also help us grow stronger in it. Through these recent battles with cancer and Alzheimer’s, I have grown closer to my parents, my wife and kids, and my sisters and their families. I don’t have hope that we will find the cure for Alzheimer’s in time to save my mom but I have the knowledge and satisfaction of knowing that we have done the right thing, taken care of her, and created special memories of all of the times we have shared with her, through her ups and downs.
I came back home and completed my challenge. I also raised it by challenging my three brother in-laws to do it as well. After all, we are in this world together, we need each other in order to survive and it is the right thing to do. Pay it forward.
Heredia ALS #IceBucketChallenge
In memory of John Gregory Kajs who lost his battle to ALS a few years ago.
It is amazing how impactful the words “I Love You” are. It’s been quite some time since I’ve heard that from my mom. She has progressed so much in her disease that I really cannot remember when the last time was that she truly recognized me.
I go there several times a week, to check up on her and dad, and am very satisfied when she is ok, and I get a smile. I try hard to make her laugh saying things that I know in the past would do so, such as asking her if I was her favorite, or “I have a question to ask you” to which I normally get the response from her “Oh boy, here he goes again”.
Most recently I asked her “What’s a matter for you” to see what she would say and she looked at me and corrected me by saying “no se dice For you, se dice With You” which made me bust out laughing cause I got a response. Lately though, I don’t get anything. Just a blank stare wondering who I am.
For father’s day, we were having everybody get together at Dad’s house. I walked in to his house and dad was outside with my sister. Mom was inside just walking around in the kitchen, looking for everybody I guess. I asked her to come over to me and I grabbed her arms and told her “I Love You mom”. She looked at me and said – “Yes but my husband is outside”. In other words – Thank you but I’m taken already! Another memory created.
Yesterday, June 28th, I went over there with Luisa and when I walked in dad was sitting in his chair, as usual watching a baseball game and mom was lying on her bed. She heard the noise of the door chime and sat up on her bed. I walked in and calmly said hi. I asked her if she wanted to get up and she did not really answer me so I asked her to lay back down to relax that it was just us. I told her that I would be in the next room with dad and she can just stay there. She had trouble just trying to lay back down so I helped her by picking up her feet to lay them back on the bed. She struggled with this and thought that she was going to fall. She got comfortable and I came close to her face and grabbed her face and said “I Love you so much mom”, to which she immediately responded “I love you too baby.” Tears immediately started running down my eyes. I kissed her forehead and walked away letting her lay there.
I smiled and walked into the living room and sat down. We were there for a few minutes when she popped out of the bedroom and looked at all of us there.
We all said hi and asked her to join us. As she was walking around dad to get to the sofa, Luisa said – “Look Angela, here is your son” to which she immediately responded, “Oh my God, Really?”.
Easy Come, Easy Go. Today was a great day. I now had two memories for that day.
Growing up in the small town in NJ, I remember hearing the marching band coming down the streets for a parade, be it the annual Christmas parade or about a football game coming, or whatever. It was an event and everybody would run out of their homes to see it once they heard the drums echoing through the streets.
I remember my mom saying “Ralphy, the parade is coming” and we would fly down those stairs. I was probably in 2nd grade or 3rd grade. That lead to me wanting to play the drums. When I got into 4th grade, during orientation, my mom walked with me to the band room and I was there with her when I met the band director, Mr. Pampel. She told him that I wanted to join the band and play drums. He looked at me and chuckled cause I was about 3 feet tall at most. OK maybe a little bigger than that but not by much. I took home the forms and had to pay $20 so that I can get the drum pad, my sticks, the book and before you know it, I was a drummer. In the concert band . The marching band was for 7th graders and above.
I played for several years in concerts until I got my big break to join the marching band. My first parade was at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, NJ. Though I didn’t play the drums. I played the cowbell and man was I nervous. I remember playing a standard continuous 4 beat quarter note rhythm. That’s when Pampel ran to me and said “put some soul into it, after all you are Spanish, right? Where’s your latin beat?”. So I started playing the cowbell like there was no tomorrow and I remember the girls in another band start dancing to my rhythm. That was amazing.
Around my 5th grade, the priest at our church asked who wanted to play guitar. I was an alter server and told him that I wanted to. He made arrangements to hire an instructor to teach us how to play guitar but it was so that we can play at the church. I agreed and when I was 13, I bought my first guitar. I played guitar for years at the church, practically until I got married. So music has been part of my life all along from when I was young. I almost went to music school until I got bit by the computer bug. I’ll tell that story another time.
I would always dream that I was in a rock band, and would spend hours trying to come up with names like “Frequency”, “Classic Soul”, “Latin Connection”… I would be the lead guitarist and would also jump on the drums every now and then.
My oldest son, Dan, practically followed my footsteps wanting to join the band at school and asking me what my opinion was for an instrument. I told him that I always loved the trumpet, but that I was a drummer at school and that was the coolest instrument for a band. He agreed and next you know he played the drums all throughout middle and high school and loved it. He was good at what he did but to this day we still argue as to who is better in the drums.
Now, my youngest son Nick, had no interest in the drums. We got him a pair when he was about 6 months old and he would use the mallets to hit his older brother when he wasn’t looking. However, we got him a guitar and that was it. He found his true passion. At 18 months old, he would strap on the guitar and you would swear he was doing an Elvis impersonation. Those hips would move like you can’t imagine and he thought he was on stage all of the time. Playing the electric guitar with no strings and big red, blue, green and yellow buttons making only noise and shaking his hips like he was being electrocuted.
When he was in middle school he started to play the violin as there were no guitar lessons in middle school. He did that for 2 years and then asked if we would pay for guitar lessons at a local music shop. We took him to and after listening to the music teachers and talking with some of the students, we offered to pay for his lessons but only under the condition that he play guitar at church. After all, that is what I did. He quickly agreed.
Unlike me, he really picked it up and for him it was almost like an infatuation. He would constantly watch YouTube videos (we did not have those back then) and study how the greatest rock and roll artists would play the instrument. He would analyze the way they played, pause the video, rewind it, and repeat it until he figured out how to replay what they did. He was really good at it. He did this for hours every day.
He had the same aspiration of joining a band, playing concerts and writing his own music like I did. Truth be told, he was better than I was almost immediately, due to his obsession and passion. His obsession is what I lacked, though the additional tools, training and ability to view what others did easily did give him an advantage I did not have.
Fast forward several years, and guess what. He did it. He was asked to play at a benefit concert and that is where he met up with another band. They asked him if he wanted to jam with him some time. He said yes and a few weeks later, the band changed their lead singer and asked him to join the band. They changed their name, and their style (from screamo Rock to Alternative), and they started writing music and playing at a local club. Just this past week, they released their first single through a streaming service and now it is available on iTunes, Amazon and Google Play.
Things are definitely much easier now but at the same time, his tenacity, desire to do this, and natural talent has brought him closer to doing what he wants to do for a career. As a parent, I am so proud of him but as someone that also had aspirations to do what he is doing, his accomplishments make me feel complete. They say you live your life through your kids but I personally what that means to me is that it is great to see them do what you were not able to, and man does that feel great. While I don’t regret changing my career at the last minute from music to computers it does give me an amazing amount of satisfaction to see him up there playing with his band and getting one step closer to “Living the Dream”. Congratulations Nick on the release of your first single. I am sure it won’t be the last.
Check out Diary of a Hero by Billy and the Cosbys.
One of my sons recently had a situation where he was walking out of work and was approached by a person asking for money. He told him that he had run into bad times and needed help. The stranger told my son that he actually knew him. My son looked at him and was not sure of this and the guy proceeded to tell him that he lived in the same sub-division and that he also knew his father (me) as well.
My sons are both Eagle Scouts and have always tried to “do the right thing” and to “help other people at all times”. So he turned around and went back into work, and hit the register to withdraw some money. He walked out and gave the stranger money and then came home, feeling good about what he had done.
When he got home he told us about this story and my wife and I of course hit the panic button. While, yes it is morally right to do things like this, it does create a potential situation for something bad to happen. Especially at 10 PM!
Who knows if that person had been observing my son as he did this and had a few friends in the parking lot, waiting for him to come out with the money and then did something bad like beat him up, stolen all of his money, or who knows what else. We gave him examples of situations that we had experienced where people took advantage of us in a similar way and now we officially give money to charity and the poor through official organizations and channels, instead of out of the blue to a person on the street. It was not our intent but our son really took it bad and felt really bad. To make it worse, while we were discussing this, his story changed several times because he was really concerned about what he had done as well as embarrassed. He originally told us it was “about $10” but then it changed his tune to be “about $15” to he finally caved and said he gave the man $20. He was really upset and we tried to calm him down and chalk it up as a learning experience.
The next day, my son leaves school and heads to the mall to take care of a few things. He meets with some friends and is there for a few hours. He comes home and tells us that he really believes in Karma. Given the generosity he demonstrated the day before, someone is really looking out for him. You see, he met up with a few friends and had something to eat at the food court. But those friends he met with happen to be girls that wanted his opinion on something. They had him go with them to Victoria Secret’s to check out some bra’s that they would then proceed to try on and get his opinion on. Of course, while they were wearing them! Needless to say, our son felt very excited about what he had just done and how he had helped them with their problem as well
Leave it to Karma to teach him that if he does a good dead, there is a very good chance it will pay him back in very interesting ways, and may actually get his money’s worth!
Have you ever wondered what it is like to be told that you have a son that you did not know about, and by the way who is almost 50 years old when you found out?
The other day, I was visiting Mom when I noticed something was wrong. She did not stand up to hug and kiss me as I walked through the door like she normally does. I immediately noticed it and in my usual, kidding self, said “Hey, what’s the matter, you don’t want to say hi?” She just sat there and when I got close she did not know what I was doing.
My sisters have been experiencing this for 6 months and I knew it was a matter of time that it would happen to me. To say I was prepared for this, yes and no. I knew it was going to happen but did I expect it that day, or to happen like that? No. How did I react? I was luckily sensitized to this and understood what was happening so I toned down my usual rhetoric and sat next to her, with some space between us and then proceeded to pick up a birthday book that we have on the coffee table to show her some pictures. The book is something that I put together of the last birthday celebration we had a couple of years back. I turned 48, and she turned 70. We share birthdays and for the past almost 50 years I have celebrated my birthday with her and she knew that. When I showed her the book, she obviously did not remember her birthday, nor who I was, nor that I was her son or that she was 70! That was the thing that shocked her the most. She immediately turned to me and said “WHAT? What are your saying? How old am I?” She was shocked. It was cute and helped soften the fact that she forgot me and it was the beginning of the next phase. Right now, Dad is the only one that she has remembered consistently but I am sure that won’t be for long.
The fact that I will not have the shared memories with her where we talk about how we share birthdays is going to be hard. Since they moved down to SC, I have gone to her house or another place like a park every birthday to share a single cake with two sets of candles. I’ve walked into her house singing “Happy Birthday to Me and You! Happy Birthday to me and you…” while carrying the cake. I am afraid I will not be able to do that anymore.
Two nights ago, I went there to see how she was doing and she remembered me and was all smiles. The next day, I called and said I could not come over since I was going out. She heard this, and said “Hmm. I have to have a talk with him. It’s been days since he has been here.” I showed up the next day and she did not really know who I was again. I told her gently that it was me, her son and she looked at Dad and said, “Is it true that he is your son?” Dad responded that I am his and hers. That she has 4 kids. I am the oldest, and she has 3 daughters.
I don’t know what the next months will bring but it is clear, we have entered another phase of this disease and have to be more conscious of what she is going through. After all, how would you react if you were told, that you had a son or daughter that was now 50 years old that you did not know about?
I could also call this post as “you get what you put into it” or “the more you put in, the more you get back” but it means the same. Another way of referring to it could also be “It’s Not about You". What I am referring to is that the commitment and support that you put into your kids throughout their childhood will pay dividends at a certain point. When you first have a child, you don’t think about those things. As the years go on, you can get distracted with the day to day aspects of life and not really think about this “investment” you are making in their lives.
Many years ago, when my oldest son Dan, was 6 years old, we were into things like baseball, soccer and other activities. I say we, because I was the one that wanted him to do those things. After all, I did them when I was growing up as well and that is all I knew. Luisa also wanted him to do those so we thought it was the right thing to do. In the end, he never really wanted to do those things and they weren’t “his things”.
One day, during school, Dan was introduced to scouting during a recruitment campaign at the school. I knew about scouting when I was growing up but it was not as popular in the part of NJ where I grew up as it was in the area we live in here in SC. I had a friend that was boy scout, but he is the only one that I remember of all of the kids I knew that had done it. I did not know anything about it, but that did not stop me from saying to Dan, when he asked me to that I would definitely go with him to the initial meeting. They paint a great picture during those recruitment days. Lots of fun, camping, hiking, swimming, bows and arrows, friendships…
I remember that first campout and being so unprepared for it. Sure, I purchased a tent (of which I knew nothing about), sleeping bags, mess kit (eating utensils, pots, plates for you untrained city folks) and tons of food. The first trip was actually to camp at the school grounds. About 2 miles from my house. Not really what I call adventure in the woods but I was a nervous wreck. Especially with the forecast of rain all weekend. I was scared we would not survive. OK. Very irrational thought considering, 1) Millions of people go camping and have survived. 2) We had a tent/raingear/trained adults, and last but not least, 3) I was only 2 Miles from my house! That night, it rained like crazy, and I did not sleep at all. I panicked with all of the water coming into my tent and wondered how the heck to people do this if water gets in? Then I realized the next time I went, that it was the dew inside the tent and the fact that things touch the tent and get wet. But if you don’t put anything near the inside lining of the tent, it actually stays dry inside!
I wasn’t the only one as there was another newbie that camping and his son left the zipper open. When they woke up the next day, they were floating on their pads. Ah the memories.
And that is the point. The memories you create are amazing during this adventure. The times you spend, are times that are irreplaceable. Unlike other sports that your kids participate in, you can be a coach for them but you don’t participate in it like you do in Scouting. In Scouting every hike is something your son does, alongside with you. Every memory you create, you create together. The time away from the TV, computers, iphones, xboxes, and other gadgets is time that you have to help mold and develop your son in the young man that you want them to be. It is an investment in the future, their future, but beyond that, it is a chance to really share things that you would not do in any other setting.
My kids love milk and cookies. OK, I admit it, so do I. But the best milk and cookies are the ones that I remember. That stick out, that I can recall like if it was yesterday. I was hiking with Dan once, and we went by a water fall. I planned on a surprise lunch that day. We filtered water from the water fall, and then I mixed it with powdered milk to make ice cold, and I mean cold, milk. Then I took out a couple of packages of chocolate chip cookies and we would dunk them into the milk while sitting on a big rock in the middle of the stream. After finishing a 5-7 mile hike. With the water smashing against the rock and drops hitting our backs. I turned around to Dan and said, “Aren’t these the best milk and cookies you have ever had?” I expected his response to be, absolutely. But instead it was, “I like mom’s milk and cookies better.” Now I ask, name a time you had milk and cookies, and can remember the other details like the rocks, the waterfall drops, the aches and pains from the hike…etc.
I have just as amazing experiences with Nick. Nick was very anxious to follow his brother’s footsteps and told me all along that he was going to be an Eagle, just like his brother. There was no question about that in his mind.
While Dan did not really like hiking, and always complained before the hike about having to go, and then of course, after the hikes would say they were “awesome”, Nick never once complained. He amazed me in his ability to hike miles and never once show any sign of being weary. He was like the Energizer bunny and just kept going and going…. He would always get into character, especially with the skits at nigh during the campfires. He would have a ton of fun on those trips, and get about as filthy as you can imagine.
We went mountain biking one time and I nearly wiped out but Nick was right there with me and able to see my youth come back on that bike when I flipped over the bike after hitting a stump and landed on my feet as I flew over the handle bars! It was AMAZING. Our best trip between Nick and I would have to be the time we went sailing around the Florida Keys, on a boat with a small group as part of the Sea Base adventure. It was fantastic time where not only did I conquer my fears of swimming in the deep ocean, and snorkeling around the fish but I did it with my son, Nick.
These are just a sample of the memories that I have shared with my boys and the opportunities I had to have those famous father and son talks. The opportunities to have focused, quality times, and invest in the future. The return on that investment pays dividends.
Here is a video of Dan’s scouting history and other memories:
Here is a video of Nick’s scouting history:
Here are both of my boy’s speeches during Nick’s Eagle ceremony in August of 2013.
I finish up this post with some final comments which is why I had to write this blog entry now, even though some of the things I recalled happened many years ago.
Recently, on October 10th of 2013, our troop lost one of our scouts, Brent. I remember Brent when he crossed over and all of the trips we went on with my boys as well. He was that unbridled youth that was living the dream. He always had a smile on his face, had more energy than you can imagine but best of all, was a dear friend and a genuinely great person. He was 20 years old and passed away at the beginning of his life, but doing what he wanted and touching lives. While me and my family are definitely saddened by the loss, I am grateful to have known him, spent the time mentoring him and getting to know him. Take care Brent. I am sure we will see you again some day on the ultimate hike to the heavens.
That is what scouting is about. Touching lives, making friends and memories, and investing in the future of these kids. It’s not about us, but about giving back and giving them hope of the future by letting them learn from your past.
After all I truly believe that this is the Ultimate Return on My Investment.
. The marching band was for 7th graders and above. 
