Mom’s disease is getting worse and is at the point where she does not recognize my son, my nephew and at times, even confuses my sisters with my wife or thinks that I actually live with them. She cannot remember where I live, and when she comes to visit my house with my dad, she is genuinely surprised at my house. So sad considering that she actually lived there for a bit.
In any event, recently, my mom spent the Saturday stressing out about what she was going to wear for church the next day. She walked into the closet and took our her clothes, to try them. She would put them on the bed and one of us would go back and put them back in the closet. She did this several times throughout the day, and did it every time one of my sisters or I would show up. She would say “I have to take out what I am going to wear for Church tomorrow”. She probably did this at least 6-8 times throughout that day and did this so much that my dad was pretty fed up about how many times he went to the closet with her to pick out her clothes.
The next day, I was sitting in the church parking lot, as I usually do, waiting for them to arrive. I can see them turn the corner into the parking lot and I stepped out of my car to open her car door. When I saw her, she had this very frustrating look on her face. I asked her what was wrong, and she replied, “Your father forced me to come to church!”.
I usually go to my parents anywhere from 3-4 times a week, if not more. During one of my visits, I walked in as I usually do and noticed that she was in a very bad mood. Dad is sitting in his recliner watching a baseball game like he normally does, and mom was at the end of the couch just looking straight out and not at my dad. Usually, when I show up, both of my parents stand up to give me a hug and a kiss. This time Dad stood up as usual but mom slowly got up and really did not look at me but kissed me. I noticed something was wrong and asked her. We both sat down and she is sitting to the right of me, and my Dad is to the left. She looked past my body at Dad and complained how mean he was with her.
I tried to make light of it and said “Oh oh, are you two fighting? Let me know so I can leave cause I am not getting in the middle of this.” Of course I was kidding and smiled when I said it but she did not laugh. I continued to press to see what was wrong and Dad jumped in and said that he had washed and dried her pants that we bought her recently (another story for another day) and they were putting them back in her closet when she took them and asked Dad if they were his. Dad replied in his usual sarcastic self, “Angela, you know they won’t fit me because they are too small!”. But she did not like the way he responded. Apparently she then proceeded to try to put them in his closet. This does not sound like much but the pants routine has came up several times.
At this point, she blurted “You don’t have to be so mean to me!”. Honestly, I have not seen mom this angry in years. She got up to throw something away and took a mean look at dad sitting in his chair, and then at me, and then walked away. I got up and went to the kitchen and then she continued to complain. She was stuck in a rut and would not get out of this mode no matter what I did or said, so I decided to get her out of the house. We went to the bedroom so I can put on some socks on her and her shoes and she sat on the bed and started crying. She said to me, “You know Ralphie, if he wants those pants, he can have them. I have four and that is ok”. I told her that Dad does not need those pants and that we bought them for her. She obviously was stuck and could not think of anything else.
As we started to leave the house, she walked up to dad, sitting in his chair, and asked for permission to go with me (I don’t know why she feels she needs to do this but she clearly is becoming much more dependent on him as the disease progresses. Almost like if she is his child). At this point, dad, again being who he is says: “You are going to leave me?” and starts to laugh. She starts crying again, says I am sorry as she touches his face feeling guilt. At this point, I turn to Dad and say “Seriously Dad? Do you have to say that?”.
I grabbed mom by the arm, and walked her out to my car to distract her by taking her to my house and then my sister’s. When she came back that evening, everything was well and all was forgotten. Both figuratively and literally.
I did have a separate conversation with him and remind him that she needs to be treated like a delicate flower with petals that could fall if manhandled. He changed his behavior and the next day went back to the closet every time she wanted to, to see the pants that she has and make sure they were all there. He even caught her putting them on, but in the closet it self where there is no room to change at all. He helped her and told me he did this at least half a dozen times that day.
There is no doubt that this is painful for dad having to be the primary caregiver to mom. I understand this and we need to do more to help him deal with this, as well as give them some space so they can heal and reduce the tension.
My son Nick did a video for a senior project on the effect that Alzheimer’s has on everybody else. It is painful to watch but we have to focus on the bigger picture. She is with us still and we have to be grateful for that. Yes, we laugh at some of these moments because the alternative is to cry.
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