The Ultimate Return on Your Investment

I could also call this post as “you get what you put into it” or “the more you put in, the more you get back” but it means the same. Another way of referring to it could also be “It’s Not about You". What I am referring to is that the commitment and support that you put into your kids throughout their childhood will pay dividends at a certain point. When you first have a child, you don’t think about those things. As the years go on, you can get distracted with the day to day aspects of life and not really think about this “investment” you are making in their lives.

Many years ago, when my oldest son Dan, was 6 years old, we were into things like baseball, soccer and other activities. I say we, because I was the one that wanted him to do those things. After all, I did them when I was growing up as well and that is all I knew. Luisa also wanted him to do those so we thought it was the right thing to do. In the end, he never really wanted to do those things and they weren’t “his things”.

One day, during school, Dan was introduced to scouting during a recruitment campaign at the school. I knew about scouting when I was growing up but it was not as popular in the part of NJ where I grew up as it was in the area we live in here in SC. I had a friend that was boy scout, but he is the only one that I remember of all of the kids I knew that had done it. I did not know anything about it, but that did not stop me from saying to Dan, when he asked me to that I would definitely go with him to the initial meeting. They paint a great picture during those recruitment days. Lots of fun, camping, hiking, swimming, bows and arrows, friendships…

I remember that first campout and being so unprepared for it. Sure, I purchased a tent (of which I knew nothing about), sleeping bags, mess kit (eating utensils, pots, plates for you untrained city folks) and tons of food. The first trip was actually to camp at the school grounds. About 2 miles from my house. Not really what I call adventure in the woods but I was a nervous wreck. Especially with the forecast of rain all weekend. I was scared we would not survive. OK. Very irrational thought considering, 1) Millions of people go camping and have survived. 2) We had a tent/raingear/trained adults, and last but not least, 3) I was only 2 Miles from my house! That night, it rained like crazy, and I did not sleep at all. I panicked with all of the water coming into my tent and wondered how the heck to people do this if water gets in? Then I realized the next time I went, that it was the dew inside the tent and the fact that things touch the tent and get wet. But if you don’t put anything near the inside lining of the tent, it actually stays dry inside!

I wasn’t the only one as there was another newbie that camping and his son left the zipper open. When they woke up the next day, they were floating on their pads. Ah the memories.

And that is the point. The memories you create are amazing during this adventure. The times you spend, are times that are irreplaceable. Unlike other sports that your kids participate in, you can be a coach for them but you don’t participate in it like you do in Scouting. In Scouting every hike is something your son does, alongside with you. Every memory you create, you create together. The time away from the TV, computers, iphones, xboxes, and other gadgets is time that you have to help mold and develop your son in the young man that you want them to be. It is an investment in the future, their future, but beyond that, it is a chance to really share things that you would not do in any other setting.

My kids love milk and cookies. OK, I admit it, so do I. But the best milk and cookies are the ones that I remember. That stick out, that I can recall like if it was yesterday. I was hiking with Dan once, and we went by a water fall. I planned on a surprise lunch that day. We filtered water from the water fall, and then I mixed it with powdered milk to make ice cold, and I mean cold, milk. Then I took out a couple of packages of chocolate chip cookies and we would dunk them into the milk while sitting on a big rock in the middle of the stream. After finishing a 5-7 mile hike. With the water smashing against the rock and drops hitting our backs. I turned around to Dan and said, “Aren’t these the best milk and cookies you have ever had?” I expected his response to be, absolutely. But instead it was, “I like mom’s milk and cookies better.” Now I ask, name a time you had milk and cookies, and can remember the other details like the rocks, the waterfall drops, the aches and pains from the hike…etc.

I have just as amazing experiences with Nick. Nick was very anxious to follow his brother’s footsteps and told me all along that he was going to be an Eagle, just like his brother. There was no question about that in his mind.

While Dan did not really like hiking, and always complained before the hike about having to go, and then of course, after the hikes would say they were “awesome”, Nick never once complained. He amazed me in his ability to hike miles and never once show any sign of being weary. He was like the Energizer bunny and just kept going and going…. He would always get into character, especially with the skits at nigh during the campfires. He would have a ton of fun on those trips, and get about as filthy as you can imagine.

We went mountain biking one time and I nearly wiped out but Nick was right there with me and able to see my youth come back on that bike when I flipped over the bike after hitting a stump and landed on my feet as I flew over the handle bars! It was AMAZING. Our best trip between Nick and I would have to be the time we went sailing around the Florida Keys, on a boat with a small group as part of the Sea Base adventure. It was fantastic time where not only did I conquer my fears of swimming in the deep ocean, and snorkeling around the fish but I did it with my son, Nick.

These are just a sample of the memories that I have shared with my boys and the opportunities I had to have those famous father and son talks. The opportunities to have focused, quality times, and invest in the future. The return on that investment pays dividends.

Here is a video of Dan’s scouting history and other memories:

Here is a video of Nick’s scouting history:

Here are both of my boy’s speeches during Nick’s Eagle ceremony in August of 2013.

I finish up this post with some final comments which is why I had to write this blog entry now, even though some of the things I recalled happened many years ago.

Recently, on October 10th of 2013, our troop lost one of our scouts, Brent. I remember Brent when he crossed over and all of the trips we went on with my boys as well. He was that unbridled youth that was living the dream. He always had a smile on his face, had more energy than you can imagine but best of all, was a dear friend and a genuinely great person. He was 20 years old and passed away at the beginning of his life, but doing what he wanted and touching lives. While me and my family are definitely saddened by the loss, I am grateful to have known him, spent the time mentoring him and getting to know him. Take care Brent. I am sure we will see you again some day on the ultimate hike to the heavens.

That is what scouting is about. Touching lives, making friends and memories, and investing in the future of these kids. It’s not about us, but about giving back and giving them hope of the future by letting them learn from your past.

After all I truly believe that this is the Ultimate Return on My Investment.

The Alternative is to Cry…

People not dealing with Alzheimer’s patients may actually misunderstand what I am saying here.  My intent is not to offend but to put in perspective the quality of life that we are trying to have with my mom who is suffering from this horrible disease.  We try to make light of this already difficult situation and keep things in perspective.  We have her here with us and are able to share quality moments with her.

Mom’s disease is getting worse and is at the point where she does not recognize my son, my nephew and at times, even confuses my sisters with my wife or thinks that I actually live with them.  She cannot remember where I live, and when she comes to visit my house with my dad, she is genuinely surprised at my house.  So sad considering that she actually lived there for a bit. 

In any event, recently, my mom spent the Saturday stressing out about what she was going to wear for church the next day.  She walked into the closet and took our her clothes, to try them.  She would put them on the bed and one of us would go back and put them back in the closet.  She did this several times throughout the day, and did it every time one of my sisters or I would show up.  She would say “I have to take out what I am going to wear for Church tomorrow”.  She probably did this at least 6-8 times throughout that day and did this so much that my dad was pretty fed up about how many times he went to the closet with her to pick out her clothes.

The next day, I was sitting in the church parking lot, as I usually do, waiting for them to arrive.  I can see them turn the corner into the parking lot and I stepped out of my car to open her car door.  When I saw her, she had this very frustrating look on her face.  I asked her what was wrong, and she replied, “Your father forced me to come to church!”.

I usually go to my parents anywhere from 3-4 times a week, if not more.  During one of my visits, I walked in as I usually do and noticed that she was in a very bad mood.  Dad is sitting in his recliner watching a baseball game like he normally does, and mom was at the end of the couch just looking straight out and not at my dad.  Usually, when I show up, both of my parents stand up to give me a hug and a kiss.  This time Dad stood up as usual but mom slowly got up and really did not look at me but kissed me.  I noticed something was wrong and asked her.  We both sat down and she is sitting to the right of me, and my Dad is to the left.  She looked past my body at Dad and complained how mean he was with her. 

I tried to make light of it and said “Oh oh, are you two fighting?  Let me know so I can leave cause I am not getting in the middle of this.” Of course I was kidding and smiled when I said it but she did not laugh.  I continued to press to see what was wrong and Dad jumped in and said that he had washed and dried her pants that we bought her recently (another story for another day) and they were putting them back in her closet when she took them and asked Dad if they were his. Dad replied in his usual sarcastic self, “Angela, you know they won’t fit me because they are too small!”. But she did not like the way he responded. Apparently she then proceeded to try to put them in his closet.  This does not sound like much but the pants routine has came up several times.

At this point, she blurted “You don’t have to be so mean to me!”.   Honestly, I have not seen mom this angry in years. She got up to throw something away and took a mean look at dad sitting in his chair, and then at me, and then walked away.  I got up and went to the kitchen and then she continued to complain.  She was stuck in a rut and would not get out of this mode no matter what I did or said, so I decided to get her out of the house.  We went to the bedroom so I can put on some socks on her and her shoes and she sat on the bed and started crying.  She said to me, “You know Ralphie, if he wants those pants, he can have them.  I have four and that is ok”.  I told her that Dad does not need those pants and that we bought them for her. She obviously was stuck and could not think of anything else.

As we started to leave the house, she walked up to dad, sitting in his chair, and asked for permission to go with me (I don’t know why she feels she needs to do this but she clearly is becoming much more dependent on him as the disease progresses.  Almost like if she is his child).   At this point, dad, again being who he is says:  “You are going to leave me?” and starts to laugh.  She starts crying again, says I am sorry as she touches his face feeling guilt.  At this point, I turn to Dad and say “Seriously Dad?  Do you have to say that?”.

I grabbed mom by the arm, and walked her out to my car to distract her by taking her to my house and then my sister’s.  When she came back that evening, everything was well and all was forgotten.  Both figuratively and literally.

I did have a separate conversation with him and remind him that she needs to be treated like a delicate flower with petals that could fall if manhandled.  He changed his behavior and the next day went back to the closet every time she wanted to, to see the pants that she has and make sure they were all there. He even caught her putting them on, but in the closet it self where there is no room to change at all.  He helped her and told me he did this at least half a dozen times that day.

There is no doubt that this is painful for dad having to be the primary caregiver to mom.  I understand this and we need to do more to help him deal with this, as well as give them some space so they can heal and reduce the tension. 

My son Nick did a video for a senior project on the effect that Alzheimer’s has on everybody else. It is painful to watch but we have to focus on the bigger picture.  She is with us still and we have to be grateful for that.  Yes, we laugh at some of these moments because the alternative is to cry.