This is actually a topic that I’ve wanted to write about for many years. Of all of the things that I have accomplished in my life, being a father is something I have really strived to do my best at. I can tell you that it was not something that came naturally to me as it was not really handed down to me by my own father. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Dad. But he raised us with the mindset that as long as we had food on the table, which we did, and clothes to wear, which we did, and a warm bed to sleep in, which we did, he felt he did his duty as a father. I do not fault him for this approach to fatherhood as he actually did better than his own father did for him.
His father pulled him out of school when he was in 3rd grade so that he can take care of the animals and bring him his lunch while he was working in the fields. My dad really never recovered from this and many times, expressed his frustration with me about how he was ripped off and never given the chance to have a better life.
When I would come home with my report card showing A’s and B’s, and being in the honor roll, his response was “that’s good. You can do better you know”. The day before I got married, he pulled me aside for a father-son moment and said “you know about, you know, right?” Then proceeded to give me a beer to celebrate me getting married. I don’t fault him for being the way he is since it is very well known that Hispanic men are supposed to be very machismo and do not show their feelings. It is definitely the way he was raised.
Even though we lived in very modest, ok, a very humble situation, I did learn to value what I did have and the effort he did for us. I did get great toys for Christmas even though things were very tight at home.
I strongly believe that you shouldn’t dwell on the past and that you have to look at the future and what you can do to change it. Throughout my life, I promised myself that I would do better and be different.
I did get very important values from my dad. How serious I am about my work, and ensuring that I “provide for my family”. My dedication to church. I don’t feel the same if I miss going to Sunday Mass. My dedication to my wife. Not that I ever saw him express his love to my mom the way I do to my wife. But that he has always been faithful to her and now, as she is going through her Alzheimer's disease, he is there making sure that she eats, she walks every day, and takes her medicine on time.
But to me, being a father was always more than just being there. It was about developing a relationship with your children that enables them to trust you emphatically with everything. You can earn their respect but at the same time, be their best friend. The person that they can look up to to aspire to, but also be in awe of, because “you know everything :)” as I was once told.
During my childhood, I had the opportunity to get to know many great father figures. These men, have touched my life in ways that cannot be understated and clearly made up for the missing items that I so desired in my own life. I dedicate this blog update to all of the father figures that I have had. The ones that taught me how to be the father and man that I am today.
My uncle Tito, who took me fishing to a lake on a regular basis. This person was very wound up at all times. Smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee but can slow down to catch the largest trout I have ever seen. I remember my first fishing trip where I did not even have a fishing pole and he made one from a tree branch with some fishing line and a hook. I recall the excitement, like it was yesterday, coming home with 14 Lafayette (sunnies) and a cat fish, that I caught sitting under the bridge in Lincroft. At the fresh water reservoir where we were really not supposed to be fishing at the time. I remember listening to Carly Simon on the way to the bridge. That is where I not only learned how to fish but developed a passion for fishing.
My uncle Juan, who would take me to Bass River every summer so that I swim. Juan had 7 kids, but still managed to find room for me in his station wagon. I recall that he always came across as a gentle and kind person and was always smiling. Little did he know, that I actually almost drowned in one of those trips to the lake. A bunch of boys, his son’s included, through me into the lake at the deep end, without me knowing how to swim. It was near a damn and the water was running over the damn. I felt like I swallowed a gallon of water and through out the entire time, all I heard was, if you want to learn how to swim, that is how you do that. Talk about sinking or swimming. Obviously, I did not sink, but I can tell you that I wouldn’t say that I learned how to swim that day either. Eventually, I would conquer my fear, by going to Seabase with my youngest son, Nick, and passing the swimming test at the age of 44. I’ve been to the beach and pool many times, but never really learned how to swim due to my fear of drowning due to that event. Prior going to Seabase, I actually swam every other day for several months straight, practicing and getting ready. I was destined to conquer that fear and I did.
Marcos, who became my sponsor for my confirmation. Marcos was also the altar server counselor and he helped me through some very difficult times in my life. Talking to me and just being there when I needed to be able to vent about my life. He chased me when I was about 13 and I thought I could outrun him. I was wrong. I ran about 2 blocks and even though he slipped trying to catch up to me, he did manage to catch me and carry me back to his place where he and a friend of mine when I was growing up, proceeded to hit me on my leg until I got a Charlie horse, for my 13th birthday :) He was also the first person to take me to a movie at the theater. Beyond and Back was the first movie I saw. I was in awe, not only because it was the first time I had gone to see a movie on the big screen, but because of the topic as well.
However, of all of the people that I can say, inspired me to be the father I am, I have to give my thanks to my father in law, Miguel. The relationship I saw between him and his son, was truly something to be in awe of and something I so desired to have in my own life. Not necessarily for me to have it with my dad, but for me to have it with my own kids. Many times, would I go to his house, while I was dating Luisy, that I would see him on the floor, wrestling with his son, hearing both Luisy and her mom yelling at both of them to stop because someone was going to get hurt. The way that he would hug and kiss his kids when they said hello or goodbye. Even if they were only separating for a few hours. The way that he welcomed me into his own house, the restaurants that he took me to, the music we would listen together too. His passion for music, desire for fun and love of life is something else. He took me in as his own and never once, did I feel any different. For my 21st birthday, he went and bought 13 lobsters at the supermarket and boiled them. We then sat down and ate them at one time and I have yet to experience that moment again.
Now that I have my own sons, I have attempted to build a relationship with them, like the one I described above. I have taken them fishing, swimming, to the movies, camping, hiking, bike riding and places around the world. I have attempted to teach the the value of family. But most of all, I have attempted to be there for them as their friend, and someone they can talk to at any time. While at the same time, make sure that they understand the value of working hard, going to church, and pursuing your dreams.
After all of these years, while raising my boys, I thank God that I have been able to get a second chance at reliving or redoing my life, but this time, doing the things that I wanted to do when I was growing up. The second time around, has been even more amazing, since I did it with my boys. I hiked with my oldest in New Mexico for a week. Just the two of us, along with some other dad’s and sons, but in reality, it was just he and I. We still talk about that trip today.
With my youngest, we sailed on a boat around the Florida keys, sleeping on the deck and looking at the moon and the stars. But most of all, he was there with me, when I conquered my fear of swimming and I still recall him saying that he was very proud of me.
Over the years, I also gave back to my nephews, the things that were given to me. I took them fishing, the lake, Disney World, and other places that I know they would not have had a chance to go to while they were young. I did this because it was the right thing to do and because someone did it for me.
I have also dedicated 9 years to the Boy Scouts. It was definitely a way for me to get closer to my boys but it also gave me a chance to give back and be something of a role model, based on my own experiences. I think all fathers should do this. Be a father to not just your son but all boys so that they can become better men.
I truly hope that my sons understand and appreciate the effort that I have put into trying to be the best father I could be. To give them goals that they can aspire to achieve, but at the same time, know that if they fall or fail, I will be there to pick them up.
To truly know, what it is to be a Father…
Happy Father’s Day to all of the men who have guided me, inspired me, and helped me become the man I am today. I am eternally grateful.
