My Guardian Angel*a

Today is the first anniversary since we felt the warmth of your hand, the softness of your face as we caressed it, took in your scent as we hugged you and kissed your cheek, looked into your eyes as we saw you staring, though sometimes not really back at us.  365 days since you were called home.

More than a year since I called your name, "Angelita", and heard you respond with "uh huh" like you normally did.

As the 12th month anniversary of your passing got closer, I thought about how this year was not as painful as watching you go through what you went through, the last precious years of your life.  Even though you were not here and all of us have missed you dearly, the thought of seeing you one more day live a life you did not deserve brought more pain, anger and sorrow than your absence.

I thought about how you were finally free from the grip of the Alzheimer's disease that robbed you of your happiness and soul.  The feeling, deep in my mind and in my heart of how lucky I truly was to have you as a mom, is helping me deal with the anger I had built up all of these years as I saw you wither away from the shining light you once were.  At that moment when you left, I was overcome with a sense of peace, though if only for a short while, of finally seeing you not suffer anymore.  That feeling took priority over the fact that it would be the last time we saw each other in person, and from that moment, rely on the vast amount of pictures and videos that we have to remind us of our time together.

Last year, we physically lost you the day before Mother's day.  I remember the emotions we were all going through, were tempered with the sense of relief in not seeing you suffer any more and the beginning of the arrangements for your service.  This year, the anniversary of your passing is the day after Mother's day and the pain feels much more raw. 

Angelita, even though I am still healing from the deep wounds of those painful years, and have Luisa to thank for constantly reminding me of what we had and how special you truly were, I absolutely know that you are in a much better place.  With Dad, your father, brother and all of the others you once knew during your time on this earth.  That you finally, after 72 years, got to be with your own mother whom you yourself lost when you were only 6 years old.  An incredible mother who did not have one to guide you during your own life but just knew how to be one.

As we go from remembering the day you passed away and the length of time since then, to relishing in the happiness of the time we had with you, we will continue to heal with the disappearing pain.

I know that while I may not be able to physically touch you, you will forever be hovering over me and reminding me that the pain is temporary and that you are and forever will be, my Angel.

Years ago, I asked Nick to write a song about Mom to capture what we were feeling and going through as a family.  I could not have written the lyrics better myself.  It has been said that people wear their heart on their sleeve.  That must have been the case for Nick to capture not only what I was feeling but who you really were.

In the lyrics, Nick wrote:

"...And when it's finally over, I'll find a way to get by, I know that Heaven will welcome you.. because that is where you are from...."


 

During these past several months, as we live through this surreal moment in our lives during this worldwide pandemic, our family has discussed what it would have been like had you still been around in the frail condition you were in, and if one of us were to get you exposed to this awful disease.  How we could have continued to care for you the way we did, without putting you through even more harm than you were already in?  God had other plans when he called you home.  With enough time for us to begin to heal our souls and breathe again before reminding us of how frail we all are and how much we really need family.

I love you Mom and thank you for the life and unconditional love you gave us all.  I know you will continue to be my guardian Angel.

A Special Thank You to Nick and his former Remind Me Later bandmates Mark, David and Luke.  Angel is an unreleased track that will forever be the song that reminds me of how we all felt.

A Mother's Day Message for My Sisters (Mother's Day 2015)

5 Years ago, on Mother's Day, I wrote this message for my sisters.  Facebook reminded me of this memory and I have captured it here in this blog to save it.  This year, the second Mother's day, without Mom, was painful but this memory helped remind us of why we went through what we did. 

For our dear Mom.

---

Evelyn, Carmen, and Annie. This is an open letter to the three of you on Mother's day.

Each one of you deserves to get pampered today for everything you have done for your own individual families. You have each brought to this world and raised amazing and beautiful children, some of which are already adults with their own children or will in the not too distant future be crossing that path of life as well. You have shown them how to be a mother, how to love, to be strong and how to be there when they are going through their own challenges in life, whether it was losing a game, missing that pitch, breaking up with their "first love", struggling with homework, or everything else in between with your own individual touch. They should honor you for being there always and I am proud to call you my sisters and love your children as if they were my own.

Today though, in addition to your celebration of this occasion, my special request to each of you is to remember where the root of that unconditional love comes from. Our own mother. Each one of us can recall every time that we came home late from a party and no matter what time it was, there she was by the window and opening the door to let us in because until she was sure we were home safe, she could not go to bed. Every time we fell down, she was there with her alcohol and Mercurochrome (which was outlawed in 1998 actually – Annie I think you may have been spared this poisoning act), washing our clothes – originally on a washboard as I remember, preparing breakfast for us in her “bata” and when we would come home, there was always a full home cooked dinner ready. It didn’t matter if it was 4PM or 9PM. There was no exception to that prepared meal, even though at times we would come home and there were 3 or 4 other children she was taking care of at the same time so her and dad could make ends meet. 

She is, and has always been, the source and inspiration for who you are today. She never once expected anything except your love back to that unconditional love a mother has for her children. She was the epitome of a humble servant never asking for anything, or stating she was entitled to a vacation for all of the hard work she put into raising us. She welcomed our spouses as a member of her own family, and better yet, took our kids into her arms as if she were going to lead the task of raising them. Her joys in life were simple. Family and her only “tv show” All My Children. Even the show name is indicative of her true purpose in life.

We have to continue to pursue with the same tenacity she had for us, to help her through her most difficult and un-humanizing time of her life. To show her that she is not alone, though she may feel like it. That she is loved beyond compare. To treat her with the tenderness she has shown for each one of us. We have to be there for her, like she was there for us, and put aside our thoughts of how many times we have done something or if it is my turn or yours. It is the least of what we can do. As the first born in the family, and the only son, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, while I know is not necessary, for everything you are doing for her, along with my own wife Luisa. This is the time we have to rise to the occasion and show her that she deserves to be given back everything she ever gave us to get us to this point, and even more. Today, think about what the true definition is of Mother’s day, and I can assure you that one image will immediately come to mind. Our own loving, dear, and forever amazing mother, Angela. 

Happy Mother's Day to you.  I love you.