During this time, I also starting thinking about my parents and how much I miss them. My senses were further heightened as I went through some of the paperwork that has been stacking up over this time. Including medical and bank statements with mom and dad's name on them.
Dad passed away over a year and 7 months ago and today marks 6 months since mom left to join him. We are still getting statements as the insurance company continues to tell us of things that have been resolved.
I made things worse on myself as I started watching some videos and looking at old pictures that were also in piles on my home desk, that were part of my "todo list". To put them away in a drawer or album.
Hearing their voices in the videos, made me both smile and cry. The evening wine only helped let my guard down as the wave of emotions that overcame me felt like I was about to drown.
I am not depressed, or I genuinely don't think I am, but every now and then, the continuous thought of my parents not being around are like waves that crash at me trying to knock me down. I went to bed, trying not to stress myself out and spent the night dreaming about them, having conversations with them and hearing their voices in my dreams.
Yesterday, I finally got the nerve to request that dad's Facebook profile be memorialized. Partially due to the concern of it somehow getting compromised and then having to deal with that and the fact that it was something that I needed to do. Again, back to that "todo list".
The email I got from Facebook after I did it was actually very warm and touching. Clearly, thought went into how they need to help family members handle this task.
In my search for pictures and special quotes for which to help me convey what I am feeling, I came across a blog written by Andrea Barberio who used the same analogy of the emotion of grief coming in waves and being knocked down by one of the waves.
This weekend, one of the pictures I came across was of mom, who could not swim, walking back from the beach, while I was in the ocean with Dan when he was roughly 2 years old. There were no waves to knock her down or pull me under. The water was warm and inviting. The memories of Mom walking back, calmly gave me peace and comfort that I will be OK with the waves that come every now and then.
Another picture I came across was of mom and dad, in the late 60's, with mom pregnant with one of my sisters.
It reminded me that Mom and Dad are back together again and have been so for exactly 6 months now.
It helped me realize that it's OK to have the waves of emotions and tears come crashing. The wave will pass and I will once again be at peace, enjoying the tranquility in the ocean of memories of my time with them.
I miss you Mom and Dad.
