It’s been 5 months since you left us. We try to continue moving on, not trying to forget but continuing to live. Trying to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, special days like Father’s day, vacations and even holidays. But the fact is that while the numbness has disappeared, most of the time, there are times where our emotions get the best of us and stop us in our tracks.
Today was one of those days. For 2 days actually, I have been thinking about this weekend, knowing that we were approaching 5 months since we last heard your voice. That the long weekend was coming up but that it would be different than what we have done in the past, where we all got together at your place. The grills will still be used, but it won’t be the same.
Sitting in church, reflecting on the day, I could not stop thinking about what I would give to have you there right next to me. What if it were different? Why did it happen the way it did and why it was different than what we had planned?
On my way to the cemetery to visit you, a song came on that forced me to pull over and let my emotions take over me. It was a song that Dan introduced me to that made me cry when I first heard it. Hearing it again though, I heard something different. I heard words that I had not heard or frankly missed before, because previously I heard it from his point of view. Today, I was hearing it from my point of view and it took a different meaning.
The words to the song, “My Old man”, when he is talking about Feeling the Callous on his father’s hands, made me touch mine, but think of yours. When he says that his father was a Lion, and they were his pride. It reminds me of how much you really loved your family. He talks about being forced to walk the line, but in the end finally understanding what plan his father had, to make him like he was. That now that he has a son of his own, he understands that his father was only trying to raise him up the right way, to be the best he could be.
Dad, I hope you continue to be as proud of us as we think you were. That you continue to look over us, how we are taking care of mom and trying to live our lives the best we can. We try to be strong and that strength clearly comes from everything you taught us. But the pain is still there.
We love you, and miss you so much.
