On the other hand I am deeply depressed, saddened, and feel an emptiness inside knowing that she has been deprived of her purpose in life by this awful disease. The one thing she was most proud of was being a mother. She absolutely loved being a mother. Not just to her own children but to all of the lives that she touched, raising half of the town we grew up in. It hurts my soul to know that the days go by and she does not know, and cannot appreciate that the love she had for us is being given back to her ten-fold. She would be distraught knowing the details, but would have wanted nobody else taking care of her. She did not ask for anything, except for the love of family.
For a person who lost her mother when she was only 6 years old, and was raised for the most part by her father, it is incredible that she became a very honorable, ever loving, always giving of herself, mother. Always smiling and genuinely happy. Happy because she had everything she ever wanted. A family and kids. You can see this whenever, even to this day, she looks at you, and by the grace of God, she looks over to you and smiles or gives you a kiss without you begging for one at least half a dozen times. Though they are getting fewer and fewer in between.
Every year, we wonder what to get mom for Mother’s Day. Over the years, it has gotten harder and harder as she became bed ridden and the only thing we could get her were pajamas (smocks), that we tore up in the back so it does not bother her when she sleeps on her back. But after a while, another pajama is not going to make a difference. She has a drawer full. She does not perspire or really get them dirty. Unless of course we spill something on her when feeding her.
This year though, I could not bring myself to do this. Not to sound heartless or selfish but I saw no value in it. I saw no reason to share with her something that she could not and would not be able to appreciate. The same with flowers. In the past, we would place them in the room and if she glanced over to them, would bring her a smile.
This time, she won’t. She is barely capable of focusing on any part of the room and just randomly looks around at things, only to appear to get stuck and end up staring at some part of the empty wall or ceiling. So why do it?
I know there are a lot of people who have lost their moms or never even knew theirs. That is what makes this so difficult. We know that this is not the life she would have wanted and if she knew what everybody was doing to take care of her, it would devastate her. Especially as humble and private as she was.
This Mother’s Day, I chose to not do anything special and to add salt to the wound, went away on a business trip. I can’t even call her to tell her how much I love her, that I miss her, and hear her laugh or her voice. This mother’s day, I will spend the day wondering how much more empty the feeling inside me can get or how much more helpless I can feel knowing that I can’t do anything to help her, protect her and fix her problems. When a person loses a parent or loved one, they grieve and over time, the wound heals. But with this disease, it’s like you wake up every day and yank the scab so that you start bleeding over and over again.
This Mother’s day will be like no other. Or it will be just like any other day has been over the past year. Just wondering and feeling the pain in my soul for what mom is going through. I love you mom. I only wish you knew how much.
